Where’s Mommy?

If I had time and/or the desire to paint self portraits, I would paint myself as invisible.

Perhaps it would be just a blank canvas, but more likely, I’d paint a detailed image of everything around me: Yume, Dean, the living room, the car seat, my mother in law...everything in the household, the washing machine and dryer, the (thank god) new dishwasher, the bathroom, Yume’s bedroom, the changing table, the (on average) 8 dirty diapers a day, and of course, how could I forget, Yume’s  high chair with tiny food particles lodged into places i pretend not to see.

I’d paint Yume’s mini library of books, her noise making toys, her wooden blocks, 7 bubble wands, and the colored rice I made for her about 3 months ago. 

id somehow incorporate Safeway, don quijote, foodland, Walmart, sams club, and the 4000 shopping carts and the 2 trusty shopping cart covers i use on the daily.

I’d paint the cans of ravioli that I eat for lunch, and the other unhealthy fast food garbage that I try to get sustenance from, while also putting detail to the freshly cut fruits, vegetables, and steaming-hot, well-seasoned meats and grains that adorn Yume’s silicone non-slip plates.

Id paint the piles and piles of things that fill up the corners of our bedroom, dining room table, and the entire upstairs room. Those, of course, are alllllllll the things I want to do...

I’d make sure to put high detail of the intricate film of dust which formed over all of my passions and dreams from my early 20’s ...

...and I would title the painting “Winnie Patterson-Wakatsuki”

 

sigh

 

I feel like I’m in so many places at so many times that I’m no longer present in any real form at all. Motherhood has completely rubbed my face away, has completely spread my skin so thin that I’m gauze like. People see right through me like I’m not there anymore.

and it’s not a finger point. It’s not a blame game. It’s not a cry for help or a wah wah woe-is-me... 

its reality.

The only human that gives me the constant 100% of undivided attention is the person who put me in this role.  

My little friend, my tiny soon-to-be life assistant, my sidekick...my daughter. She is the only person who keeps her eyes glued to all of my whereabouts, when I feel like the entire world looks right through me, she’s the only person who seems to see me at all times.

She is the person who has the power to make someone like me, a lady who was normally visible from 300 Miles away, wearing bright yellow and large flashing accessories, disappear into  clear thin air.

And yet, she sees every movement I make. 

Where is Winnie?  

Just ask Yume.  

IMG_9373.JPG