Hitting the Mute Button

 *** I wrote this about 2 months ago and never had the chance to complete it. But in many ways, I feel that it is quite complete..so I will post this as is.**

 

First, I'd like to extend a heartfelt thank you to all who have reached out and offered their condolences, hugs, texts, emails, monetary gifts, silent wishes, thoughts, memories, prayers, tears, presence, and Love...

I don't hold one as more meaningful than the other, because it all means so much to me-- peace is everything.

 

i wish i could say that all is well, and that I'm moving along fine, and that time heals all wounds. So I'll grant myself that wish and say it--

Of course, that is not my reality yet, and probably won't be for awhile, but here's to hoping~. 

But in all honesty, It hasn't been ~horrible~. No daily outbursts, no outward Debbie-downer depression, no wearing black all day...none of the stereotypical showings of grief.  

I think, due to the circumstance, and the way everything played out with the ending of my mom's life, my body acted as a vessel that filled and filled--overfilled at some points with emotions.  

With her passing, small hairline cracks were left in my vessel, and I am slowly draining out.

In some ways, I'm relieved by the release of the pressure. The draining is giving my heart space to not worry every second of every day.

Only people in this type of situation  know how stressful it is to expect a "winnie, it's an emergency, come now" phone call at all hours (including the wee ungodly hours) of the day. I could barely sleep at night, I was tense, and my chest was always tight...all while still taking care of an infant. This pressure drain is somewhat of a godsend... 

But, with that same sentiment, I'm also losing a little bit of something that mattered so much to me.

And, not everything that I was filled up with was stressful and/or bad. In fact, a lot of what my mom filled me with was really wonderful, special, and something I dearly don't want to lose--ever.

so while my heart sighs that the stress is leaving, It also weeps that the responsibility and the comfort of caring about someone so much is also leaving my heart too.