I've been a mom for almost 90 days. No, I'm not counting, but my motherhood apps are.
So, how has it been?
Have things improved from the last entry? Have they gotten worse?
Tell the world, Winnie....and be honest, how are you?
I'm ok :)
It's been good.
I've started to learn how to balance on forever shifting plains.
The moment I think I've "got it" there's always a slight and, occasionally, abrupt shift. Thankfully though, I'm not really hitting the floor and crying, and I don't take as long to find my footing to try and stand back up as much as I was at first.
I'm learning the delicate art of adjusting my balance and shifting my priorities to keep on my feet.
In the 7th grade my English teacher told our class, "one way to get through life is to be like limu (seaweed) just sway with the current, and you'll make it."
At the time, I thought it was pretty good advice, but now, I want to get a tattoo of seaweed on my hand as a constant reminder to sway with the current instead of fight it...
That leads into the second thing I'm learning, which is the concept of: Control, and that I basically have none. Well, at least, almost none.
No matter how much I want Yume to do something, whether it be sticking to a schedule, or liking tummy-time, or sleeping for an extra 10 mins so I can finish up making dinner... i don't have the power or control over it. She wakes when she wakes, and she'll hit her milestones when she is ready to. I am a bystander and supporter to her growth, and I can't control when or how it happens.
Of course, as a former early education worker I know I can set her up for success, and I can create the environments for things to eventually happen, but...again, the when and how's (those things that sometimes feel so pressing, and like they matter so much) are up to her and not me.
These are all facts that roll off people's tongues, including my own--But giving someone a lesson, and learning it yourself are two very--very--different things.
you know, Within these 3 months I've really started to understand how important confidence is.
In the overwhelming moments when we're faced with "I don't know what's wrong, I don't know why she won't stop crying..." Just being confident (or faking it) wins half the battle--Constantly second guessing and feeling inept wastes so much time and wastes so much mind space, and it is frustrating for not just myself, but for Yume too.
Taking a confident breath and thinking "ok, I got this...we can figure this out, let's try/do this" is one of the answers in a two-part question.
And, if I'm wrong with the first solution, having the confidence to go back to step one and take another breath and try again gets me to the right answer faster than going back and forth in my mind with "is this right, well, I don't know..,maybe it's this, no maybe that....welllllllllll?"
I think that that is a simple fact which most adults know, but I feel that people with children know it on some type of deeper level--because it's realllllllly easy to feel like a fuck-up when you can't seem to console your baby, or have no clue why your baby is freaking out--
Having confidence--or even just faking the confidence to simply make a decision to do something is pretty huge. You may think it's instinctual, but if that's so, maybe we're not the same species, because my instinctual nature tells me "gurrrrrrrrrrrrl, you don't know what you're doing..."
So, for me to just go with what I think is best and do it, is a reallllllly big step.
As you can see, all of the lessons are interconnected in this constant cycle. The confidence leads to the adjusting of my balance, and that leads into me learning more about what I can and can't control--and the gentle pushes and pulls of control throw me off balance, and forces me to be confident to stand back up again--whether I'm crying about it or rejoicing it.
Looking at Yume is like watching myself in a microscope. I see how she is when she's overwhelmed, how she tries to enjoy herself for awhile and then starts crying when she can't take it anymore.
I see how she smiles when she sees Dean, and how happy she gets...and if you could see inside my heart, you'd see the same delight. (Even though sometimes after a long trying day, my face doesn't show it)
I see her patience and impatience as we all stroll along this sometimes bumpy road together, and so far, when we look at each other, I think we're on the same page. We're trying our best to be the best.