Too Much Time On My Hands...

Hello All, 

I'm at my dead-end job today. I have only 3 more days before I leave for good. And surprise, surprise, I have nothing to do today. That's why I'm here writing in my beloved blog.
I'm normally not a bad worker. In fact, I'm actually a really really good worker, but I happen to be working for a very, very bad company. 

This sentiment (being a good worker in a bad environment)  has caused me to reflect on a lot of different things. Now that I'm on my way to motherhood again (yes, i'm pregnant, and I'm having a girl. Thank you for you congratulations that I heard you say through my computer screen...) 

I'm realizing that atmosphere and environment really play a huge role in how people turn out. Ya, I know...this isn't a new discovery. Nature verses nurture...and all of other concepts I learned in psychology 100 and sociology 100--thank you Community College.)

But now, these lessons I have learned have become real-life examples. I have watched people (not just myself) transform from really happy-motivated individuals into miserable middle aged women who hate everything and everybody. While preparing my lunch this morning I thought about how many people left this company this year, and I came up with about 55 people... out a staff about 100. That's more than half of the company that have turned over.... says a lot doesn't it?  

In 2016, the only time I've felt happy in consecutive days in a row is this final week--because I have officially checked out. I am playing my "i don't give a fuck" card, and winning BIG. I cleaned out my desk and office, and have already turned in my key and shirts on Monday (my last day is this Friday.) When i turned everything in, the HR supervisor was like "already?"
And with a smile I whispered *fuck* and vocalized "yes."

It sucks to hate your workplace--spending 40 hours a week in a place you don't want to be. :(
In fact, I spend more time here than I do with my husband, my family/friends, and especially myself. I devote my time to the dollar bill which I then use as a wash-cloth to wipe the smile off my face for 40 fucking hours a week...
It's really crazy when you think about it. For those fortunate few that are indifferent to their day job, and the even smaller percentage that *gulp* like their job, you wouldn't understand where this rant or revelation is coming from.... but, for the rest of you: you know EXACTLY what I'm talking about.  

But, anyway, back to my larger point.. here I am on the edge of motherhood thinking of how i'm going to shape the life of my young one, and how I help to create their experience on this planet.  Of course, we always go back to default settings and reflect on the life lived--and I think of how my parents raised my sister and I...and since I've already written my praises 5 blogs back, I can take a critical eye on how I want to make things better. 

I've decided, of course, on music lessons (piano), and possibly the girl scouts or a sport. But, what else. What type of mom am I going to be? I feel like this is the biggest art project of my life. 

When I used to teach, I would often use art as a metaphor for life. Giving guru-like advice on the creative process by saying "some people spend time sketching out their designs lightly so that by the time they are ready to put the paint on, they know exactly where to go and what to put on. It's a time consuming process, but there are less "mistakes" to worry about

On the other hand, some people just go for it and put all of their ideas on the page--they go crazy and are exuberant with their designs--painting is a fun process of being free and creative... but these same people also spend equal time erasing a lot of mistakes--and some mistakes, no matter now much you erase or how much white paint you put on the canvas, you will see forever....

Both people though end up accepting whatever is on the canvas as their own. And both people will be able to justify their actions for doing things the way they chose, because ultimately it is their artwork...so you decide how you want to approach your work.

 Pretty deep, ya? My students got it, and the student teacher in the back of the room looked like a lightening bolt hit him in the forehead. Epiphanies are incredible things :) 

But, how am I going to be as a mother? Am I going to spend the time sketching or doing? 
It's so surreal to be in charge of a life that is yours but not yours all at once. It's like collaborative painting... And let's not forget... i'm not alone in this process. I have another artist by my side making decisions on this work-in-progress art piece too... 

Wow. Adulthood. Parenthood. and the creative process. 

It's such an exciting adventure. I'm thankful for the extra time I will have to think about everything. My due date is 12/1. So I have a lot of time to think....

anyway, It's time for my lunch break. 

Ta-ta for now. 

**winnie.