What's new Winnie?
Well, I've worked on another Kalaupapa painting. This time I used palette knives instead of paint brushes. It gives this kind of unclear fuzzy feel to the image--kind of like how memories are. You can see them, but some of the smaller (maybe...lesser important) details just blend into the background. I need to work on it for about a day or two more, and then...I think it's done.
Then I'm on to my next project.
ugh...I'm listening to Ringo Starr's "Octopus's Garden"(my iphone is on shuffle...and it just came on, in case you're wondering) --it's so distracting.
Anyway, there have been some changes in my life. Big ones. Ones that I'm not ready to disclose just yet...but ya, changes. Good changes. I'll share in about a month, If I'm ready to. :)
Well, as mentioned I'm thinking about a new project (again)
With the recent success (I have sold 3 of the 5 paintings) of my black and white background series, I'm thinking of taking the idea to a large scale. Right now those paintings are about 11"x 14", but I"m looking at possibly paintings in the 22"x 28" range or perhaps even 24"x 36...or largerPieces which are actual wall-art pieces rather than small accent paintings.
I'm going to stick with a geometric black and white background--maybe making it a little more "exact" and using a ruler or something??? (who would've ever imagined I'd ever use a ruler?!)
But I want the subject matter to be loose and kind of shapeless. This concept, in a strange way, represents a self-portrait. I feel like things around me are well defined andare pretty clear. Facts are facts and reality couldn't be more real right now...but I kind of feel like this shapeless figure floating, some parts of me fairly defined, but other parts just feel like a sketch--or at most a loose under-painting.
I bet you didn't know that this much thought goes into my paintings, huh? They just seem like pretty girls or mermaids and crazy lines everywhere,..but if you asked me to explain the reasoning behind the things I do--you'd be surprised :)
oh gosh, Ringo's "Octopus Garden" is on again...what the hell? do I only have like 30 songs on shuffle right now?
Much better, I'm listening to John Lennon.
I had a moment last night.
I was at Times Supermarket with a cart full of groceries--boring healthy things like Kale, Watercress, Spinach, tomatoes... whole wheat tortillas, lean cuts of meat... yogurt and Davidson's cage-free, organic, pasteurizedeggs...and I'm waiting to pay, and I look at the couple right next to me.
2 twenty something year old's probably sophomores in college (a guy and a girl) buying one bottle of Jack Daniels.
A tiny itty bitty part of my heart cracked.
It's not like I want to repeat the days of my youth, or anything like that. I've totally subscribed to the "been there done that" mentality... but, there are moments when you feel the heaviness of "oh my god...oh my god... o h m y g o d--- I'm __ (you fill in the rest)___"
When I was 20-something and pretty much living the paycheck-to-party lifestyle, I would have NEVER-EVER even considered filling an entire grocery cart full of vegetables.
The most I would have bought at 10:30pm at night from grocery store was maybe a lime for the shots of tequila I would throw down.
But now, right smack in the center of my ripe middle-aged crisis, there I was standing in line buying a cart full of health food..
I kind of wanted to die.
And it's not like the 20-something year old's even cared about me or my purchase. But, maybe that was exactly the point. There was no concern going from their direction to mine, but full attention going the other way.
I try to look at life like an avocado--and right now--and probably through the next 15 years, I'm just right. I'm not useless and tasteless.... and I'm not too old where I'm just bruised and stink... I'm at that creamy age where I can go on top of just about anything and make it better.... (yay avocados!)
But, my avocado analogy just wasn't happening as I finished my transaction, paid, and slowly walked in the distance to my husband's truck.
I sat in the car for awhile without the engine on. Just looking out of the front windshield. Hands on the wheel, but no key in the ignition.
you know...back then, being so plastered that I could barely walk, making out with strangers, and driving home crazy drunk....was I really having that good of time?
were the jokes really as funny to match the strength of my laugh?
did I really want to get that fucked up back then?
My mind knows the real answer is "no." (except my karaoke days...then the answer is yes..haha)
But, I mean I know so much of it was forced because there was this feeling that I had to be having a good time. it was something that expected of me and every other 20-something, probably including the two people next to me in line.
And it's not like, even for a second of my life, I would want to go to a club now. oh god no.
I mean, seriously, no one shed's a faster tear than the crowd looking at the middle-aged grandma breaking a crazy sweat on the dance floor pop-locking-and dropping-it when no one else is.
I mean...there are classes for that kind of sad display, and as we all know, it's zumba.
...but the nostalgia--the blurred fuzziness--the palette-knife rendition of my "how it used to be" made it all look so desirable.
I started the car, made a right onto the main road, and slowly drove off
The windshield wipers slowly wiped away the drizzle...
I carefully drove around all of the bumps on the road so that I wouldn't accidentally disturb my cage-free, organic, pasteurizedeggs that i carefully spent 5 minutes inspecting one by one.
I parked and saw my husband. I smiled as he walked to the car to help me with the groceries.
and then, everything was ok.
Love to you and you and you, and sometimes you too.