mixed tape fantasy

I used to listen to really depressing love songs…
Like, that was the main source of music in my late teens and 20’s…depressing love songs.
Songs about longing, songs about loss…songs about love—
I used it as a sort of motivation for my blogs and art.

One of my favorite tearjerkers was from John Lennon.. ‘Nobody loves you when you’re down and out” (the walls and bridges version) I would listen to it over and over…I loved the music arrangement, but I even more so, I loved the lyrics.  “Every time I put my finger on it, it’ slips away…”

I thought I understood the lyrics then, and I did.., in my 22 year old body, I really did  get it—But now when I hear John say “when I get up in the morning and I’m lookin in the mirror to see…oooohweee…then I’m laying in the darkness and I know I can’t get to sleep…”
these lyrics have taken on a completely new life in my 30’s . These lyrics, the music composition, everything about it… feels like a brand new song and I feel my bones when I hear it now, whereas before, I would hear my itty-bitty-lovey-dovey heart.

In fact, the entire “Walls and Bridges” album deserves a write up.  Spotify doesn’t have Menlove Ave.
"Menlove Ave" has the original "stripped down" version of all(most) of the songs on Walls and Bridges….  when I was like 8 years old (thanks to Reimi)… I listened to Menlove Ave all the time. My sister likes the Menlove Ave. version of these songs, I prefer the Walls and Bridges one… Not really an important fact worth mentioning, but…whatever. 
Anyway… I can’t do a comparative essay on one version of the songs verses the other… but wait--- wait, what’s my point again?

This happens to me more nowadays, I get sidetracked from a point/conversation and never get to finish my thought. My brain feels like a bunch of scribbled notes all half-way complete. Ending mid senten---


Just like that.


In hopes of trying to stay focused, I will go back to my original point. “Nobody loves you when you’re down and out”..and the other sad love songs I would listen to mean so much more to me now—because they aren’t simply about ‘love’ anymore.  I mean, even “Luna” from Smashing Pumpkins—one of my all-time favorite love songs, means a little more than just butterflies in the stomach and red cheeks, when he says “I go alone, just because I’m lazy, I go alone to be with you…”  (high pitched screaming and finger twirling through hair....heart-melting….maybe it still means butterflies and red cheeks~)


Simon (a dear friend of mine which I wrote about in a couple of blog entries past) has asked me if we could start making mixed cd’s for each other again…which made me SO so so happy~

I think, maybe only Alyson and Simon truly understand how important making mixed tapes/cd’s is to me..hahaha .

I would reserve a whole day to “mixed music” making –especially if they were for gifts…because I like to make sure all the songs blend from one song to the next.


Mixed tapes were my way of having conversations with people. It was my way to give a little bit of my history, a little tiny bit of myself, that I don’t share with everyone.

And now, I’m here, selecting songs that I like, and I’m nervous!
I’m wondering, if I have I put these songs on compilations before? I’m wondering If I’m up-to-date with my music taste—I’ve kind of shunned new music for a while and/or have only really subscribed to “NPR’s all songs considered” but, have rarely went to the extent of downloading an entire album
—oh (clenching my heart) the way the music world has changed!!
Before I would be forced to buy the entire album and listen to it (and find the hidden gems that could easily be missed if I just bought the single)—and now, thanks to digital laziness, I’m just listening to singles here and there. And, I find myself just listening to my favorite music from the 80’s and 90’s verses listening to anything new (because I’m always disappointed nowadays)

See what I mean about getting side-tracked.

Anyway, I’m worried that I’m selecting songs that I’ve already selected because the same song means something entirely different to me now than it did then. I’m hearing the music differently, the words mean something entirely new....but then again, I’m sharing music and experience with a dear friend…
so maybe I should get a grip?
I mean, seriously....can I just get over the fear of being judged?
(haha) Who hit the nail on its head?
I spend so many days/hours/minutes/seconds judging other people that, could it be,  I’m terrified of being judged?


~Sigh~ (cough, cough…uncomfortably clearing throat)

I don’t ever want to get to the point where my joys are no longer joys.
So with that said…I’m off to the store to buy a pack of blank cd’s.


Instead of ending this with another Winnie quote, I will end it with lyrics that have taken on a new meaning to me…

“If you want to destroy my sweater, pull this thread as I walk away.”

Love you