2014 is coming to a close...
So, this will be my last blog for 2014 and instead of doing a list of things I want to accomplish in 2015 or a reflection about this year,
I'm just going to give you some honest Winnie-ness...
Right now, I'm feeling all over the place.
I just realized that the person I am doesn't match up with the person I think I am, nor does it match up with the person I want to be. More so, the person I am doesn't match up with the person people think I am...
Maybe everyone feels the same?
Anyway, it's sort of bothering me right now at 11:16pm the day after Christmas.
I want to be like the woman from George's Michael's Father Figure video. Shallow, I know. One, because she's not a real person, she's a character in a video (so sad, she's not even from a t.v show where she'd at least have a "personality") and two, because I am just basing everything on looks alone...
But, what I took from the video is this: she's a mean looking, somewhat powerful, fashionable woman. Yes, a model too...but, I've given up on trying to lose 10000000000 lbs to physically look like her, but It's her image that i want....
Of course we know that in reality...
I'm like the friendliest person on the planet. I don't look mean at all and, maybe I'm a tad-bit fashionable, but it;s not the right kind of fashionable. I don't want to be "slapped together fashionable" I want to be refined, tailored, and chic (like the lady from the video.) I'm fine with having wavy hair, but I don't want it to be bushy, I want luscious DARK curls. ugh....
The only thing I'm totally okay with is my skin...but that's only because I've worked on my face-washing regime for like 20 years... (I told you this was shallow...I've only talked about appearance, and probably only will from this point on, but whatever...sorry I'm not Herman Hesse. I'm shallow)
The person I think I am is:
organized, a go getter, and self starter....
but, if you know me, you're probably laughing at that last sentence the same way I was while I was typing it.
And people think: well, i don't know what people think of me.
I'll just tell you what I've heard: I'm brave, successful, strong, funny, "with-it", capable of a lot of great things, fearless, always prepared, beautiful (yay), witty, smart, always cheerful, fun to be around, and a lot of other really nice things...
but, what they see and what I see are two very different things.
I feel very sloppy, unorganized, and judgmental. I feel like I spend more time sizing people up rather than working on my own abilities. I also feel mis-read because of my natural smiling face. I'm not always happy, and I'm not always interested. In fact, most of the time I'm uninterested in everything around me. I'd rather just live in my imagination. I'm sassy and generally have a bad attitude.
I do have a killer imagination. I think, sometimes, the reason why I'm always (unknowingly) smiling is because of everything that's going on in my head. I have an extremely strange sense of humor, and I am constantly giggling at the smallest things. I don't even take the time to explain what's so funny, because I know that 9 times out of 10 no one will get it.
i'd like to think I have high standards for myself and for others, but...in reality I think my standards border on the lower end of the "general scale"
I feel like I have so much work to do with myself. Like I'm just this blob-like mass that is trying to be poured into a small cup. I'm always catching myself from the sides and trying to fit into something that is stiff and clean. I'm so fucking messy with my life....and I want to work on cleaning everything up. Throwing away things (which includes physical "stuff" but, also people, memories, and just personality traits) which are of excess, simplifying all of my complicated systematic processes...I basically want to be someone else.
But, then, I look in the mirror, and I see my pale, chubby, smiling face looking back at me, and I think... "hey lady, I love you..." and I'll add on the Bruno Mars ending of "just the way you are..."
and then I never, ever, ever change...
and so I revisit this same back-and-forth every end-of-the-year when I realize that the lady in the George Michael video isn't the person I'm looking at in the mirror, and perhaps...maybe never will be.
You ask me how I feel about that, and I'll give you a different answer depending how close (or far) I am away from my period.
you wanted honesty, you got it.
Here's to embracing everything, and loving it all... even the pale, chubby, smiling face in the mirror.
( I just re-read this blog, and ya... i love this too)
Happy New Year,