What's it all About, Winnie? A little insight into the madness...


She's the Lady with all the Lines...

Sometimes I feel a little lost in my life. Like, I don't know where I am going, or which direction to turn. I kinda go through that a little every year, but this year, that feeling greeted me like the morning sun. I was a daily thing. For instance, I always kinda feel like I'm going somewhere, but I don' t know if it's forward, backward, or if I'm trapped in the illusion of movement, because it's actually the world moving around me while I"m just standing still. I can't tell anymore.

A lot has happened to me. I don't want to go through the laundry list of events that shaped and molded this year into what it is...but a lot has happened. Most of it was heavy and emotional. Imagine wearing heavy denim jeans and dragging your legs through waist-deep mud... heavy heavy things. I thought I was going to drown in the mud because I kept falling face-forward into the thick, thick mud...

But, somehow, I've found a way out of it, and I made it out--still dirty, but alive. Maybe that's the miracle? I don't know. If you've been following this blog (or any of my blogs) you might've noticed that this blog has turned into something like like Madonna's Blonde Ambition Tour... I'm so gung-ho that it's almost starting to seem fake. It's not. I'm really trying.

You can't survive through months and months of waist deep mud because you just stood still--you have to try, and that's what I've been doing. So...I guess, I am moving in a direction, but where...where....where am I going?

Maybe finding my direction will be easier if I explain why I've been trying so hard...

I was pregnant this year, and I lost the baby. my baby. he passed away, didn't make it. I delivered early and although Enso (my son) was a strong, strong baby, the universe (or whatever) just didn't feel like the world was ready for him. or whatever. I can't verbalize it nicely yet, because I don't feel nicely about it yet...

But, that has been my motivator. I'm trying like a mad-woman to turn into something because I don't want to be a loser. My Enso was so very special, and I just want to be as special as he was. He wasn't a loser, so his mom can't be one either... (sigh)

You know, once you've lost something so so so big in your life, it's hard to not feel like the biggest loser on the planet. Friends and family keep telling me--over and over again, "you're not a loser, you did everything you could, don't blame yourself" but honestly, those are just words.

sooooo....I feel like I need results so that I can validate myself again, and that's why I'm pushing myself so hard. Most of the time, it doesn't even matter what direction I'm pushing, I just want to keep moving. moving so that I don't have to stand still and think about what I've lost. the pain is too deep, too much for me to walk through, heavier than the mud because it's no longer wet mud...it's drying into hard, hard mud. If I dont' keep pushing and moving, i'll be stuck there in that pain forever...

But, on days like today I'm more concerned with where I"m going, verses why. Maybe that's a sign of recovery? Maybe one layer of the deepest cut is starting to heal just a little? I don't know... All I hope is that I'm getting somewhere.
I hope that this artwork and the dedication and time put into it will pay off, that it'll mean something more than just a band-aid that I've wrapped myself in.

Someone recently said that they see my passion in my art by just looking at my drawings, they can see and feel it. that made me happy.

I want my drawings to be a window into what's going on, and each line in every single illustration is  like a tick on the wall of someone who is in jail, it's the line of hope saying "I've been through this much for this long, but it won't be long..."
And I believe that, it won't be long....

That's all for today folks,

love you all, always.

**winnie.