Half way there

Yume turned 6 months on the 3rd. 

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We're 6 months and a couple days away from a full year together.  

In this time, we've established nap and sleep schedules, crying it out for just a couple days, but now when 8pm comes, Yume falls asleep with little to no fuss at all.

She's on solid foods,  but just once a day. We tried at 5 months and she just wasn't quite ready...so like all things, we waited and tried again. So far, so good.

No teeth poking through yet, but im sure it'll happen eventually. That's been my motto lately, it'll happen eventually. I've kinda pumped the breaks on checking my baby apps every moment of the day, and now I only do it when I remember to, or when I really don't get something.

I still have 10,000 questions about everything, but I'm starting to learn to wait for the answer to reveal itself rather than research it. So far the only consistent answer I'm finding and hearing from everyone is "every baby is different" so there are (for the good or bad of it) no answers or norms to attach myself to. 

In many ways, I have to learn how to be my old "just wing it, and see what happens" self, because that carefree winnie-ness, as irresponsible and irritating as it may've seemed, was seriously the key attitude  to everything. 

This hyper-sensitive, gotta know all the answers, gotta google it now, read about it before it happens, is helpful (no doubt) to a certain extent, but sometimes just giving things time and space (especially when it comes to Yume) to mature on their own, and/or just being surprised at "wow, that's something new" rather than anxiously anticipating it, is pretty awesome too.

The other day, I cracked open a fortune cookie (thank you, Panda Express, lol) and it said "the wise learn more from the fools, than fools learn from the wise."  

A huge shout-out to all of the fools who run in abundance online and in my real day-to-day life. You're helping this mama out, for sure! Haha

But, with that said, I must give another huge thank you to all the amazing, attentive, thoughtful, creative and resourceful mama's out there who use their brains and all their might to shape and mold their children into this world, this mama is watching what you do and is taking notes--even though I may be the fool who won't be able to learn, please know I'm watching, haha.

Each day, I feel like I'm learning exactly how I don't want to raise Yume, but at the same time also how I do. 

At 6 months, it's hard to start implementing all of the Pinterest-worthy tips, but again.., in due time. 

 

Ive also started taking time to observe how people treat their parents in adulthood.  I personally think that is a direct reflection on how that person was treated /raised in their childhood...

it seems that adults who had more of a hands-off parent, treat their aging parents the same way, while those who had a hands-on parent, also treat their aging parent in that manner.

im paying closer attention to how a person refers to their parents, do they call their parents regularly, what do they do/know about their parents, do they actively "care" for their aging parent..and what "care" looks like in different households.

As mentioned above, i realize that every parent (like every child) is different, and that every life situation is different too, so spare me the lecture of thinking one is better than the other, that's really not the comparison I'm trying to make--in fact, im not really making comparisons, just life observations...

I AM interested in what I can do to establish a good relationship with Yume so that as we get older, Yume is a part of my life, not as my life-servant, but also not as a complete and total stranger either.

again, trying to learn from the fools, while taking notes from the wise... 

I'll let you know what and where my findings lead me one day.

For now, here we are. Happy and still trying to figure this all out... 

:) 

:) 

Hearts and Thanks for reading :) 

--winz  

File Under...

I feel like motherhood has turned me kinda into a man. Hahaha.

I find myself too tired and too busy to deal with my emotions/feelings/thoughts--like seriously, who has the time or energy to cry, get mad, or even show real happiness anymore? I feel like on a scale of 1-10, I'm always 5 now.

I've been compartmentalizing everything into the file cabinet of my mind. And maybe one day I'll get to feeling every little thing I've filed away, and if I never get to it, at least it's filed away somewhere safe instead of rotting away in my heart... 

so here goes. 

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-i never thought I would be one of those parents that posted 10million pictures of their baby. Sorry social media friends, I'm one of them...

then again, I sift through  political posts/quotes/posts about sales at friends online store/weight loss stories/  old memories/ complaints and rants...so isn't it only fair that you sift through Yume's pictures too.. :) At least my posts are always cute.

-I never thought I would be THIS tired. Omg, if I were to sleep a full 24 hours I would still wake up tired. I have averaged about 3 hours of sleep for 8 months. I know what you're thinking "but Yume's only 5 months..." ya, I barely slept during the 3rd trimester...

- I never thought I would walk 2+ miles everyday (except when it rains) 

-I never thought I would hate rainy days. Hahaha, I live for my daily walks, and I'm all about keeping Yoomz on a schedule, so when it rains it throws off the schedule, and then I'm in a totallllll tizzy. Oh, and dirty wheels fucking suck.  

So Gross. 

So Gross. 

 

 -i never thought I would want to and/or care to write to the city and county about their bumpy-ass uneven sidewalks

I'm trying to take my baby on a smooth ride without tripping and/or waking her up with every huge bump in the road. Get it fixed, Pearl City...

-I never thought I would miss real adult human interaction. For the most part, I'm really not a people person and I love my anti-social-ness, but now that my existence is pretty much ignored (people talk to me through Yume. For example: (in baby-talk-voice) "did you go walking already?" "Did you go ne-ne (sleep)" "have you had milk yet?" "Did you go to the store? Oh ya! what did you buy?" - I guess me wishing someone would just talk to me would be silly, right? I not asking for a full blown, --let's sit down over coffee and talk-- but a "how are you?" Would be nice, sometimes.  Sigh

 (Segue!!)

-I never thought I would appreciate my sister so much. She's seriously like the only person (besides Dean) that talks to me about like nothing and everything--like general life stuff...

She sends me articles, she texts me recipes, she makes me laugh, she asks about my day, and shows that she cares and doesn't just text me when I send her a picture of Yume--she is basically is my daily reminder that I'm still winnie, and not ONLY Yume's mom. I really...really...appreciate it. Thanks Rei-rei. (Sigh)

and, to be fair...when my friends had their children, I pretty much dropped off the face of the planet, because I thought they would be too busy to talk to me, and now, of course, I get it. It probably would've been nice if I called more and asked about how everything was going...but, that wisdom only came after-the-fact.... 

-I never thought I would feel confident as a mother. But surprise, surprise...every once in awhile I get the "you got this" shiver that goes down my spine.  it normally happens when I'm the only one who can comfort Yume's cries... or when we have our day together and she just looks at me and smiles. :) it's nice to feel like a hero every once in a while...

-I never thought a 5 month old could make me laugh so much. Yume is a really funny girl, and her little giggles crack me up. She laughs at the most unfunny things, and that really tickles my funny bone. Haha

Full of smiles :) 

Full of smiles :) 

 

Next file folder  

 

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 -Places that are not stroller/baby friendly...  

omg, my friend KC and I went to the Contemporary Museum last month, and it is SOOOOOO not baby friendly. It's a two story museum with no elevator, no ramps, nothing. There is a beautiful grassy sculpture lawn, with no cement walkway, so people with babies are supposed to, 1) only view the top gallery (and/or leave their stroller in the front and walk down a flight of steps holding a baby while trying to balance) and 2) I guess, push their strollers through and/or carry their baby through the normally wet thick uneven grass. (the museum is in Makiki, one of the wetter parts of the island)

Like omg, seriously it's 2017. put a ramp and cement path in, not just for the strollers, but for the wheelchairs...

unless of course, people with babies and disabilities aren't supposed to enjoy contemporary art... time to Yelp it. Lol

 -Mom Forums 

For those of you without children, bless your heart for not having to read through any mom-forums. Mothers (women) are the most judgemental people on the planet who tend to give horrible (online) advice. I have like 10 thousand baby apps on my phone becauseI like knowing about milestones and whatever, but every once in awhile I check a forum when I have a small concern about Yume (I.e fussiness at the breast) and I'll scroll through pages and pages of bad advice and women who ride their high-horse of "well, my baby never had THAT problem..." ugh.. it is time I'll never get back again. I've decided, if it's a real concern, just call a doctor and fuck the forums.

 -omg, Me. Lol, I'm a lot more annoying now. I've turned into the complainer mom that wants the world completely to change to fit my needs, or else (dun dun dunnnnnnn) I'll Yelp it.  All i need now is an A-line hair cut, and khaki shorts that bunch at the crotch showing off the "v" shape of where my thighs connect to my vajay...and then I'll completely be your full-blown complainer mom.

with that said, let's move to the last file folder (lol) 

 

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because, after all of that, it's nice to know that I do still love things... 

duh, I love Yume.  

Lol I could devote an entire website with blog after blog writing about how much I love Yume, and it would just be the tip of the iceberg. She's the absolute best. And ya, duh...she tops my list of loves. ❤️awwwww❤️ 

now on to my more superficial loves... 

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 omg, I love Target. 

If i could live in a store like corduroy the bear, I would choose Target (welllllll actually it would be Neiman Marcus, but we're talking about right now in my life...I'm living on a stay at home Mommy budget, and I'm definitely nowhere near my well-showered, groomed self--so ya, no living at neimans right now. Lol)  anyway, omg Target. Cutest baby things. Cutest home style stuff, loooooooove the kitchen supplies, and thank you for well priced pantry items! :)

 -Omg, and I love Safeway! 

I've always been a Safeway girl (sorry Foodland and Times) but now that Pearl City has finallllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllly jumped on board with the new renovations, omg, the Safeway is like beautiful. It's no Whole Foods, but I'm not in the position to drive 45 mins to buy lettuce. Maybe next year..lol

Anyway, I'm all about picking the nicest clean and unbruised apples, and i looooooove checking every single egg for hairline cracks, but I'd rather do that in a nice clean atmosphere where people are few and far between (foodland is SO crowded!) so Safeway, thank you for not being the local favorite~ :)

I love doing laundry. 

omg, hi domesticated woman. No, I don't exactly loooooove doing laundry, but now that I'm a mom, I love finding a tiny random single sock in the laundry. It is the highlight of the moment, because it's soooooooo cute.  

Awwwwww...it seriously is all about the little things in life. 

Awwwwww...it seriously is all about the little things in life. 

   

I'll try to keep my file folders as a reoccurring blog, because it's kinda fun to write this out, rather than just keep it all in my head. Plus, I have sooooo many more things that I love, and so so so sooo many more things that annoy me, but I just don't have the hours in the day to list them all In one sitting.

anyway, thanks for reading!  

 

Winz~ 

 

  

 

Walks at 6pm

I enjoy my walks. I've never been one to look down when I walk. I always try to face the clouds. Amazing things up there...

See? 

See? 

There was a lady up there. 

There was a lady up there. 

:)

love, 

winnie  

Never even caught her name...

"Don't have too many friends, Winnie. Just be friends with yourself, and your family. That's all you need. When you have too many friends, you wear too many different masks, and then you lose yourself. Friends get in the way, and you cannot focus on what you are. When something happens to you, if you spend all your time telling each friend the same story, what part of the story do you keep for yourself? You give it all away. Don't give it all away. Don't lose yourself. Don't be a clown for other people. Don't lose yourself, winnie. Be strong, that's how mommy raised you, to be strong. Be strong Winnie..."

 

 

"Don't be a follower, and don't be a wallflower. No one likes a wallflower. If you're at a dance, dance. If someone asks you to do something, don't be the shy girl who always says 'no' (gesture of someone shyly refusing with hand up in front of face), no one likes that type of girl. I hate that type of stupid girl.And that type of man is the worst. A man has to be a man, if they have kin-tama (gesture to male testicles). A man who cannot stand up, is not a man. Don't be with a loser man, winnie. Find a man who has (hand gesture with palm facing up, like she is holding a big bag of gold) confidence, please. No follower man. That is the worst. A man who is always hazukashi about everything, who always puts his head down. Waaaa~I hate that type of man"

 

... 

"Don't ever bow your head down for a man. Men are nothing, winnie. They think because the have that (phallic gesture) that they are something. They are nothing, Winnie. Men always tried to compete with me, winnie. They always try to beat me, but I (holding fist up) beat them up, because mommy has atama (pointing to head) Their chisai mind--so small. Men are baka..they are fool." 

 

... 

"Being a mother, is the best thing. I always tell people, my babies are the best. I would have 10 million babies if they could come out like you and Reimi. My children are everything. I never regret becoming your mother. When people talk about their own children, I don't care, because my children are the best. Or when people show me pictures of their children, i just smile. But my babies are the cutest, and the best. Everyday I bought new books for you guys and I would read and spend time. I loved being your mother. It is the best thing in my life. I don't know if I'm a good mother, but I tried my best."

 

 

 "you and Reimi are the best because your daddy was smart, and your mommy is, if you think, smart too. One plus one equals two, you have two excellent sources inside of you, dont forget that. Mommy is smart and Daddy is smart, so don't be a fool..." 

 

...   I think of the things you've said, and think about how much they have shaped me as a person, and now, as a mother. Sometimes I really feel like a loser, no matter how much I tell myself I'm not one. Sometimes I really feel tired and defeated. Sometimes i really feel... 

 

Sometimes, 

Winnie

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Flowers

We decided to check out an orchid show. My blood is moving again. Rejuvenated and totally inspired.  

The colors and shapes, the life in each flower.....*gasp* the experience was everything.

I will keep these all in the sketchbook of my mind, and when the time is right, these images, patterns, and colors will emerge in new pieces. 

im excited, as always.  

purple is the color of rebirth. 

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Murasaki love, 

winnie  

Humbled, My grass is the same as your grass, and Making an effort .

As mentioned in some entry that I wrote at some point, on some day, some few weeks ago... 

I'd like to blog more... 

so here goes. I've never been good at keeping blog promises, so who knows how long I'll continue to update on a "regular" basis, but for now this is keeping me sane and looking forward to something that is mine--all mine, so ya...

 

Humbled 

if you've been following my writing...., especially pieces done in the last, I don't know, 6 months (yippeeeeee...thank you!!)

Anyway, you might have noticed there is a common elated, but somewhat frustrated bewilderment  of "oh my god, I didn't realize  THIS is how it was going to be..."

Some days, I feel like I've been kicked to my knees. Every once in awhile, I feel like I should be the winner at the made up "mother of the century" pageantry in my mind. (Trust me, I've practiced my winning wave, and rehearsed my acceptance speech on my amazing abilities to do a diaper change WHILE keeping my little one smiling the entire time)

But the one steady constant I've felt during my few highs and many lows is  something kind of new to me...I've been humbled. 

Ive always been a kinda sassy Judgmental-Judy type person. My vantage point always seems to be from above, effortlessly gazing down on the world--and it's not something I'm really proud of (anymore.)

i don't know where I got this chip on my shoulder, but these recent months of constantly being beaten down by minute-to-minute on the job training, has me feeling lower than low.

Nowadays, instead of looking down to see what the rest of the world is doing, I'm squinting my eyes and  straining my neck trying to see what's taking place in the world that is resting on the top floor of a skyscraper towering over me. 

All of the advice I used to give new first time moms and parents of multiple children (while I myself was single without children) now all seems like ludicrous trash. And when I think of my former pretentious art-teacher-self relentlessly berating parents about how they should be doing art with their children, and how "i know you're busy, but it's really not that hard to do..." makes me kind of want to vomit and throw a mini tantrum at how lame I was to everyone. Because seriously, at least right now in my life, looking at a paint brush is equivalent to being knee-deep in the Freddy Kruger Nightmare on Elm street pt.1 (the scariest one in my opinion)

Like, I seriously can't even fathom pushing paint out of a tube right now. And ya, I hear you "well, no one is expecting you to paint portraits while breastfeeding a 3month old" 

duh, I know that... 

but I guess, putting that "mom of the century" sash with the winners crown really isn't so make believe to me ...and wanting to be on the top of the mountain verses feeling like I'm swimming in the gutter is a lot more appealing to me than I thought...

but the reality that is hitting me over and over in the face like an endless game of paddleball is that, it's just not gonna happen right now--and that all of my unrealistic expectations are just that, unrealistic.

I'm no better (and possibly never have been) than the lady with the 5'oclock shadow holding her screaming child's hand trying to balance everything in her purse/shopping cart/life standing next to me in line at Foodland

--sigh--

and maybe once I can fully swallow that pill and let it digest without sticking my finger down my throat to try and up-chuck that fact--I'll finally be alright.

This is me and my new humbled self. 

Love it? Ya, Me too.

haha. 

 Anyway, that leads me to my next section (yay for transitions) 

My Grass is the Same Color as your Grass.. 

There is some type of misconception that since I'm a stay at home mom somehow my life is SO much easier than the working mom's/woman's  life. 

Well, let me break it down like this: 

1) my life is awesome. I got exactly what I asked for since I was like 10yrs old.

ive always said, if I have kids (which I never thought I would) that i  wanted to be a stay at home wife/mom. Maybe other women are willing to burn their bras to be a hardcore working mom, but I'll sew a bra to stay home and take care of the kids.

I am so very thankful that I fell in love and married a man that treats me wonderfully and gives me a very secure life, which allows me to live out my manifestation.

+*Of course eventually, Im going to have to start working again...I mean, we live in Hawaii, and not middle America--and mama's got bills to pay ....but we'll cross that bridge when we get there**

 Anyway, with that said, this is also no walk in the park... i don't have parents or extended family that i can lean on to watch Yume anytime I want to "take a break."

i dont get to drive in a car blasting music without a baby in the car seat behind me,  I don't have other adults to interact with for 6+ hours a day, There is no point in getting dressed nicely or putting make-up on, which in my world-- if you know me at all--is pretty big heartbreaking fucking deal.

I'm the only person who can watch Yume. I don't have other options. My mom is sick, and my mother in law is elderly, my sister is busy working, my sister in law is out of state, and my husband works anywhere from 6-10 hours on any given day...

so it really is JUST me. Although we live a comfortable lifestyle, it could easily get very uncomfortable to try and afford crazy tuition to send Yume to germ infested daycare where she'll probably get sick on a weekly basis.  

So seriously, it's cheaper and far safer to have me to stay at home with Yume. Which *viola* is what we are doing. 

 I could easily say that being a single mom with healthy parents who are willing to watch baby while mommy goes to work, or wants to have a night out to drink, has it waaaaaaaaay easier than I...

But, in my recent growth spurt of maturity, I've also come to realize that my Grass is the same color as your Grass. What's brown in my garden may be green in yours, but the area of your garden which is allllllll unkept and nasty, is nice, and lush in mine.

So there is my tired, somewhat bitter rant for 2017. Hopefully it's my first and last. 

 Now....Finally, to the last section which will kinda contradict most of this blog, :)

 Making an Effort

 

DIY Shakers

DIY Shakers

 

 

Dean's Bamboo Art Project

Dean's Bamboo Art Project

I'm making an effort to create again~

as I said in sooooo many words above, it's really hard to find the time, and I'm exhausted, and alone...and, and, and ...fill in the rest with my laundry list of reasons. 

but, nevertheless, I feel like the effort is everything. It's the only way I'll ever feel like a human being again (and the only way to get the sash and "mother of the century" crown i soooo desire, haha) 

 So I'm starting small with the DIY sound shakers, and as nap schedules change, and wakeful playing times open up, I'm going to make the effort to start creating again.

I have soooooo many ideas for DIY learning tools for the baby Yooom'z...

I just need to make the effort to work little at a time to create. I can do it, I just have to reallllllly try. 

I mean, If the end-all-be-all goal is to be a full-time artist then I have to keep going to reach it, no matter what. That's what I want Yume to see in me--a Mommy that is ultra creative and who makes the effort.... 

Dean and I chose the name "Yume" (Dream) because she is our dream, but what we both love about each other is that we have our own dreams that drive us to keep going. 

My dream is to be an artist/life long creator (aka, crafter.) 

i feel like now, more than ever, it is extremely important for me to keep my dream in sight, because can't you tell, it's so easy for life and responsibilities, and the mundane day-to-day to cloud the finish line. 

I have a life-long cheerleader watching my every move, and I want every move to be in the direction of my dream.

So, along with making the effort to keep up this blog...I'm going to make the effort to slowllllllllllly create and do art again. 

ive been using our daily walks to view the world the way I used to when I was in high school: looking at colors of objects and thinking of which paints to mix to recreate the color.

Lantana love!  

Lantana love!

 

As stated so, so, soooooooooooo many times, I'm in no position to open up paints and buy canvas now, but that doesn't mean ever...

But, by keeping these thoughts active and prepping and pre-chopping my designs, and keeping my inspirations simmering low on the stove, I'm ensuring that when I am ready to start cooking most of the meal will almost be ready. (Can you tell that I watch the food network all day?) 

so that's that.  

take care Care Bears,  thanks for reading! Gotta go get my hiking gear to get back up my mountain to get that chip on my shoulder again, haha juuuuuuuuuuust kidding

❤ 

winnie

 

Confidence--Almost 3 months

I've been a mom for almost 90 days. No, I'm not counting, but my motherhood apps are.  

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So, how has it been? 

Have things improved from the last entry? Have they gotten worse?  

Tell the world, Winnie....and be honest, how are you?  

 

I'm ok :)

It's been good.

Better, really.

I've started to learn how to balance on forever shifting plains.

The moment I think I've "got it" there's always a slight and, occasionally, abrupt shift. Thankfully though, I'm not really hitting the floor and crying, and I don't take as long to find my footing to try and stand back up as much as I was at first.

I'm learning the delicate art of adjusting my balance and shifting my priorities to keep on my feet.

It's working.

 In the 7th grade my English teacher told our class, "one way to get through life is to be like limu (seaweed) just sway with the current, and you'll make it."

At the time, I thought it was pretty good advice, but now, I want to get a tattoo of seaweed on my hand as a constant reminder to sway with the current instead of fight it... 

That leads into the second thing I'm learning, which is the concept of: Control, and that I basically have none. Well, at least, almost none.

No matter how much I want Yume to do something, whether it be sticking to a schedule, or liking tummy-time, or sleeping for an extra 10 mins so I can finish up making dinner... i don't have the power or control over it. She wakes when she wakes, and she'll hit her milestones when she is ready to. I am a bystander and supporter to her growth, and I can't control when or how it happens.

Of course,  as a former early education worker I know I can set her up for success, and I can create the environments for things to eventually happen, but...again, the when and how's (those things that sometimes feel so pressing, and like they matter so much) are up to her and not me.

These are all facts that roll off people's tongues, including my own--But giving someone a lesson, and learning it yourself are two very--very--different things.

sigh~ 

you know, Within these  3 months I've really started to understand how important confidence is. 

In the overwhelming moments when we're faced with "I don't know what's wrong, I don't know why she won't stop crying..."  Just being confident (or faking it) wins half the battle--Constantly second guessing and feeling inept wastes so much time and wastes so much mind space, and it is frustrating for not just myself, but for Yume too.

Taking a confident breath and thinking "ok, I got this...we can figure this out, let's try/do this"  is one of the answers in a two-part question. 

And,  if I'm wrong with the first solution, having the confidence to go back to step one and take another breath and try again gets me to the right answer faster than going back and forth in my mind with "is this right, well, I don't know..,maybe it's this, no maybe that....welllllllllll?"

I think that that is a simple fact which most adults know, but I feel that people with children know it on some type of deeper level--because it's realllllllly easy to feel like a fuck-up when you can't seem to console your baby, or have no clue why your baby is freaking out--

Having confidence--or even just faking the confidence to simply make a decision to do something is pretty huge. You may think it's instinctual, but if that's so, maybe we're not the same species, because my instinctual nature tells me "gurrrrrrrrrrrrl, you don't know what you're doing..."

So, for me to just go with what I think is best and do it, is a reallllllly big step.  

:) 

 

As you can see, all of the lessons are interconnected in this constant cycle. The confidence leads to the adjusting of my balance, and that leads into me learning more about what I can and can't control--and the gentle pushes and pulls of control throw me off balance, and forces me to be confident to stand back up again--whether I'm crying about it or rejoicing it. 

 ***

Looking at Yume is like watching myself in a microscope. I see how she is when she's overwhelmed, how she tries to enjoy herself for awhile and then starts crying when she can't take it anymore.

I see how she smiles when she sees Dean, and how happy she gets...and if you could see inside my heart, you'd see the same delight. (Even though sometimes after a long trying day, my face doesn't show it) 

I see her patience and impatience as we all stroll along this sometimes bumpy road together, and so far, when we look at each other, I think we're on the same page. We're trying our best to be the best.

  :) sigh~ It has taken me about 5 days to write this piece by piece, in every little break I have--at all odd hours of the day--but I'll try to write more again. These moments of recollection really help me process the process--and in turn I can see some progress :).    With tired eyes, a full heart, and a smile I say: "I can do this." ❤  Winnie 

 

:)

sigh~

It has taken me about 5 days to write this piece by piece, in every little break I have--at all odd hours of the day--but I'll try to write more again. These moments of recollection really help me process the process--and in turn I can see some progress :). 

 

With tired eyes, a full heart, and a smile I say: "I can do this."

❤ 

Winnie 

Two Weeks

Oh my, my, my

ive been a mommy for two full weeks... 

I can't even wrap my head around it.  

Love

Love

There is this strange feeling of things being intensely real-- so real that it feels like a dream.

It's almost like I've been handed a mixed drink, with strong hits of hards--but instead of gin and rum,  it's a mix of sleep deprivation, love, fear, anxiety, and happiness.

my soul is drunk, almost hung over, on these emotions. 

and yet, this is reality. 

this is not a poetic fiction I've made up with words. No, there is a real living, breathing human being in my life--and it's all so wonderful and scary at the same time. 

love has never been so powerful. My heart has expanded to match the endlessness of the night time sky. And in my horizon is Dean and Yume, my sun and moon if you will--and my family and friends twinkle in the sky around me at all times of the day. Whether I see them or not, I know they are there. 

its amazing.  

 

The birthing experience was  the first crescendo of this kind of symphonic journey to motherhood.

--And when asked, why I chose to do the birth natural (no epidural) 

i couldn't formulate a clear answer--there were too many reasons for me to give just a definitive answer... 

but after two weeks time of analyzing my thoughts Over and over again, I know why: 

for several clear reasons really--and let me preface my response with this, this is my truth--and mine alone. It is in absolutely no reflection on how I feel about other people's birthing experience. I do not pass judgement on those who have had medicated births, nor do I feel I have one-upped anyone with my experience. This is all me...

so now, to my reasons:

the first, of course, was because I didn't want it to be easy. I didn't want to take this huge moment in my life for granted. I wanted to feel every single part of it. I've asked myself over and over again before and after giving birth,  "How many times in life do you really get the opportunity to FEEL something?"

when you first fall in love, you feel it in every hair on your body. Every blood vessel tingles with the pulse of another persons. your body feels magnetic and electrified--and that feeling is what causes the chain reaction of the rest of your life to start moving along...

The same goes for when someone you love passes, you feel the exact same sensation, but instead of the tingles of love and happiness, you feel it with pangs of sadness. You feel the pain everywhere--Inhaling, exhaling...everything hurts... 

So, with that said, i wanted to feel this birth throughout my entire body. This transition from one reality to the next. I wanted to feel it--and feel it, I did.  I breathed through every contraction with my eyes closed and barely made a sound until I had to push. That's when i vocalized the physically intense pain...

there were definitely moments when I wanted to say "ok, hold up, I've changed my mind..give me the drugs. I can't do it anymore..."

but, I would always be faced with this wall of "you made your decision, now just do it winnie..." 

so I did. No requests to stop. No requests for pain relievers. 

 

In the last and final stretch of pushing--when I thought I might actually die from the pain..., I thought of Ensō.

I thought about how after he passed, I would repeat to myself as a mantra "your mommy is not a loser" everyday.

Enso tried so hard every single day of his short life, and from watching that I decided that every single day, I would try hard with mine.

After Ensō passed, As I worked at my job, or drove to and from appointments, while I sat in long ridiculous meetings at work, I repeated to myself, Ensō, your mommy's not a loser"--and even though the place I worked at was a joke, my work was not. Not one person from my department can say that I didn't work hard, and from the moment I left that job, I know--with confidence--that pieces of it crumbled without my presence. Because I'm not a loser, but people will lose without me.

So when Dean was saying "come on winnie, just a little more--push, push" I repeated internally, "Ensō, your mommy's not a loser" and I pushed , and pushed with all my might--it was like White pain. The lights from the birthing room and the lights from all of the pressure...white light everywhere 

and then came Yume.  

My dream. My reality. 

 

Its been quite a two weeks... 

and im not going to over glamourize it. It has been really hard. I have had crying spells, and have felt frustration so deep that it has made me question everything, including this journey.

There are moments when I miss Dean so much while he's sitting right next to me. Our life has turned over completely and sometimes it feels like we're strangers who knew each other from some other time... sleep deprivation mixed with non-stop  "on-the-job" training will turn even the most familiar things into something you're constantly being re-introduced to like it's the first time around.

i see him like he's a new person, because he is a new person--in the same way he sees me as a new person. We are no longer just lovers, we are parents. a whole new dimension of ourselves is in each other's face. I can see his coping skills, and I hope, he can see mine.

Its crazy. 

and yet, we are not strangers. There are tiny moments in the day when we look at each other and smile, and I see him and he sees me--and we're back on the same page, same chapter, same book.  

There are also times when trying to decipher the meaning of Yume's cries drives me to near insanity. I'm so uptight, and unsure...and don't have the answers, and don't know what to do...but I feel that I should. i sleep at like 9:00pm now because I'm exhausted. Not from just waking up every 3 hours for feedings, but because I am just emotionally and mentally drained. I used to hate people who response to everything is "I don't know"... but I find myself saying "I don't know" all day long. 

But then there is this  

 

❤️ 

❤️ 

When Yume falls asleep in my arms, and I can see the trust in her face. She believes in me, and is able to completely fall asleep with contentment in her little body. And that is enough of a pat on the shoulder for me, and the best words of encouragement for me to keep pushing through.

 

my mom, whoes hero status has steadily risen during my entire pregnancy, and now is at stellar heights during my first weeks of motherhood, offered me some really good advice about parenting.  

She said "nothing about being a parent is easy, winnie. if you find that something works out well and is easy, good for you--maybe that time you were lucky, but for the most part, everything is difficult. Look at it as a challenge, and try hard. But if you are expecting things to be easy, you will find yourself always upset and crying. Prepare yourself!"

 --best advice ever. You know, if I could even be an 1/8 like my mom for Yume, she will be a lucky child. I cannot even begin to give enough praise to my mom...I see her greatness so much more now than ever before. It's sad that it's taken motherhood for me to be able to truly thank my mom for being incredible--but, better late than never, I suppose. Haha

 

Anyway, Right now it's 5am, I have  been sitting with my electronic breast pump for the past 30 mins, the rhythmic "eee-ahh"'sound from each pump is kind of like a mechanical lullaby. 

So goodnight moon. 

mama is tired. 

--Winnie

 

 

Headphones

Confession:

Today is the first day I'm listening to the newest Radiohead album "Moon Shaped Pool" in its entirety. 
Yes. It's true. Can you believe It's taken me this long to do so. 
I'm in shock too. 

You see, I'm one of those--especially when it comes to bands such as Radiohead, where the day the album is released, it's in my hands and/or downloaded for 24 hour repeat play over and over again for at least 2 weeks. In the past, the longest time (normally) between a new release and my headphones, was about a week's time--and even then, that seemed as an eternity.

Maybe it's because there were so many things to sort through this year, so many things to listen to, so many things to do, that I haven't had a chance to sit down--alone--and just listen to the album and give it the undivided attention it deserves. I don't know. the laundry list of excuses grows and shortens with each reasoning....

And yes, I take it that seriously. I see music as one of those art forms that need devotion, in the same way literature deserves more than just a year long casual reading. Books deserve a quite space, perfect lighting, and a nice space next to the bed to place for easy access to the perfect moments to divulge into--and in an ideal world, the moments in between each reading are few and short-lived.

Visual art, on the other hand, sometimes benefits from stepping away, and/or viewing multiple times with years in between--even the practice of doing visual art can (although disputed by "working artists") can be refreshing and renewing after space is put between you and your work... (**Im sure if I were a musician or writer, I would use the same justification to feel better about myself in *not* writing/creating music regularly...but whatever) 

Anyway, 

Now that I'm spending one on one time with the album, I realize how much I've missed long intervals of time with my headphones.

For awhile it seemed like a secret love-affair that I shared with my headphones. We would go to coffee shops together, sit on the bus to and from work, be together in the art-department and in my make-shift art studio space in the tiny confines of my bedroom. I would sleep together nightly with my headphones, and share secrets, play games, and have wild conversations together--me asking questions about life, my iPod whispering song titles into my headphones to answer them... it was a wonderful love.

You may say it was one-sided, but I think my old sony headphones would beg to disagree. The places we went together... always in a special place in my bag, wrapped as nicely as I could (because I"m a pack-rat purse lady) together, for what seemed like forever.  sigh. 

 

Anyway, 
As I listen closely to Thom Yorke's heart break and heal through each song of this album, I can't wait to hit repeat and push the + volume button once more to hear the music even louder in my brain. Maybe it sounds crazy, but when I listen to an album, I start off mid volume and with each listen, I turn up the volume just a little bit louder each time. By the 5th listen, it's normally at full volume.  I play the music so loud that I can see it in my eyes. it transcends just my ears--and now enters my each crevice of my brain--that's where the ideas come from. 

The Radiohead album "in Rainbows" helped me create an entire series of 50+ drawings, because I would listen to the music so loud that I could start to see patterns in my head--(hello bird series) Other albums helped me do all of the hair designs  in my fashion drawings. 

Bet you didn't know that. :) 

So, as you can see... less time with my music, less artwork pumping out of winnie. 
In college, I barely even listened to my professors, my headphones were plugged into my head, and my brush was on my canvas...and on all the rides home, music that played so loudly that most people wouldn't even sit next to me on the bus, helped me think of the next thing to draw or write about.. my prolific creative phase--if you can even remember that far back to when I was in college--you will remember I had 1-3 blogs written almost nightly. All thanks to my original lover, my headphones. 

But, as mentioned above--and not with any complaints in my heart, or any tone of dismay.... I say, that now I'm spending my time listening to different things, like heartbeats... and feeling shapes moving in my body,  doctors orders, and hushed soft breathing of my husband...

I suppose a whole new art form is taking place. A new creation of sorts--better than 3D printing (haha)... I'm creating a life. Not just my baby's...but my own. Creating a world of my own...so I guess, right now, I'm no longer able to spend 5 days straight tuning out the people around me playing radiohead on full volume, because there are many other things playing at full volume in my life. 

 

nevertheless, right now, while listening to the Radiohead album on level 7, three points away from full volume, I'm looking forward to starting the album over again, one notch higher... 

:)

Happy Thanksgiving. 

*Winnie. 

 

 

 

Sometimes

Sometimes I feel a little down. Depressed if you will.

The feeling comes on out of nowhere and hits at varying degrees of intensity.

Oh, hormones.  

Today, I felt like looking at the ocean. So i knew the feeling was a little worse than usual. Normally I can shake the feeling off without having to leave the house. 

but, my emotionally-wrecked- self, tears and all, got into the car for a drive. Listening to "Dreamboat Annie"

i headed out. 

"heading out to somewhere won't be back for awhile..."  

"heading out to somewhere won't be back for awhile..."  

The weather on the way to the ocean kind of matched what was inside of me. But surprisingly, I actually felt better before I got to the ocean.

Somehow, just being in the car alone in the drivers seat was enough. It's like the metaphor was good enough to cleanse the soul. 

I was about to just turn around, thinking I've already cured what was unsettled. All the tears were already gone... but since I was only 5 mins away from the ocean, I decided to press on.

"Warm wind caress her..." 

"Warm wind caress her..." 

I'm happy I did. The ocean view of choice is always the same for me. I like going to kewalo basin/  kakaako.

I like the panoramic view of the ocean  

"No one knows the lonely one who's head's in the clouds..." 

"No one knows the lonely one who's head's in the clouds..." 

The ocean and location help to remind me that, whatever I'm feeling at moment is nothing compared to the vastness of blue surrounding. No matter now sad I may momentarily feel, my emotions are like small crystals of sand. 

And so I walked along the sidewalk, the endless ocean to my right, my healed self on the left.

While walking I also had a little reminder that happiness is in the small things 

❤️ 

❤️ 

IMG_3001.JPG

And after seeing that, my heart was officially settled.

Be kind. The theme for moment?

 

i walked all the way to the end of the sidewalk to my favorite view  

"Heading out to somewhere " 

"Heading out to somewhere " 

And saw what I needed to see...

"Won't be baaaaaaaaack, for while" 

"Won't be baaaaaaaaack, for while" 

And I realized, everything right now really IS too beautiful to be feeling down, and to continue with the doom-and-gloom would be an affront  to all that was around me. 

I turned around and walked back toward my car feeling better that I was able to get out and feel the sun on my skin--and I guess, also that I could do this for myself. 

i am in the drivers seat to my happiness, and If so willing can get there if I take the keys into my hands and go.   

Heading out this morning into the sun. 

Heading out this morning into the sun. 

So I'm going back home

love, 

winnie.  

So many things that begin with the letter "B"

Hello All, 

So, I've managed to (somehow) keep relatively busy during my first two weeks of unemployment. I don't think I'm quite used to not having to stress about stupid shit, so I'm like frantically trying to fill my time with all types of activities and projects...

I wonder if my last job gave me very mild PTSD, because I feel like I'll be punished if I"m not insanely busy? hmm...can I claim that with the state? 

Anyway..lol.

It kind of dawned on me, like total-epiphany-style,  that I should be using my skills to make things for my offspring. Like, I was in mid-conversation with Dean about the baby's room when all of a sudden I exclaimed "Oh my god... I can make things!" and my husband, sweetly, looked at me like "um..ya?"

So I've started to make baby items (bibs, burpees, and baby birdies) I have also cleaned out my painting inventory... so that I have fresh canvas to begin working on the baby's room. So many things that begin with the letter "B" : baby, bibs, burpees, birdies...beginnings... 

Anyway, it's all been kinda fun :)  

This whole transition to baby-mode has been....interesting, different from the first time around. Everything is now focused on the baby, and making sure the room and things are all wonderful. I like it, it's neat. 

Well, to be completely honest, it's strange, but neat.

I guess the last time I was pregnant, i think the whole experience (even before the craziness) was too new and surreal--and for some reason I was kind of ashamed and rejected the whole notion of motherhood... but, this time I'm embracing it. Partly because of past experiences, but mostly because...I"m in a different stage of my relationship with everything.  

 It's kinda crazy, because I keep waiting for my "old flame" for creating to come back, but clearly, I'm still failing to realize that what I'm doing right now IS creating things (i.e crocheting, sewing, and soon to be painting a mural in the baby's room...)
Sad realization... I guess because it's not for me, and like because I'm not putting it on etsy for sale, it just doesn't equate to being creative. 

hmmm.....

I guess I should also take this time off from work to re-evaluate what it means to be an artist, creator, and whatnot. I mean, why does being an artist always have to equate to money? Why can't being creative just be a trait in myself?

I take notice of it in other people who are creative, and often preach it to others "You're an artist, through and through...and mass (or lack-of) production has little to do with the fact that you are an Artist!" But, when it comes down to myself, I feel like If I'm not making a living off of my craft then somehow I'm less than and totally inadequate. ...kind of a hypocrite, huh winnie-chan?

Anyway, I have pictures to post of my creations, but. I'll add them in  at another time, because I"m working off of a brand new computer and none of my images are saved onto the drive yet (YAY! thanks to the excellent Husband for getting us a new and beautiful Mac desktop for our office space~~~)

Love to you, you and, you too..

I'll write and post more soon since, as the Rolling Stones soulfully sing, "Tiiiiiiiiiiime is on my side, yes it is..."

**Winnie.  

Too Much Time On My Hands...

Hello All, 

I'm at my dead-end job today. I have only 3 more days before I leave for good. And surprise, surprise, I have nothing to do today. That's why I'm here writing in my beloved blog.
I'm normally not a bad worker. In fact, I'm actually a really really good worker, but I happen to be working for a very, very bad company. 

This sentiment (being a good worker in a bad environment)  has caused me to reflect on a lot of different things. Now that I'm on my way to motherhood again (yes, i'm pregnant, and I'm having a girl. Thank you for you congratulations that I heard you say through my computer screen...) 

I'm realizing that atmosphere and environment really play a huge role in how people turn out. Ya, I know...this isn't a new discovery. Nature verses nurture...and all of other concepts I learned in psychology 100 and sociology 100--thank you Community College.)

But now, these lessons I have learned have become real-life examples. I have watched people (not just myself) transform from really happy-motivated individuals into miserable middle aged women who hate everything and everybody. While preparing my lunch this morning I thought about how many people left this company this year, and I came up with about 55 people... out a staff about 100. That's more than half of the company that have turned over.... says a lot doesn't it?  

In 2016, the only time I've felt happy in consecutive days in a row is this final week--because I have officially checked out. I am playing my "i don't give a fuck" card, and winning BIG. I cleaned out my desk and office, and have already turned in my key and shirts on Monday (my last day is this Friday.) When i turned everything in, the HR supervisor was like "already?"
And with a smile I whispered *fuck* and vocalized "yes."

It sucks to hate your workplace--spending 40 hours a week in a place you don't want to be. :(
In fact, I spend more time here than I do with my husband, my family/friends, and especially myself. I devote my time to the dollar bill which I then use as a wash-cloth to wipe the smile off my face for 40 fucking hours a week...
It's really crazy when you think about it. For those fortunate few that are indifferent to their day job, and the even smaller percentage that *gulp* like their job, you wouldn't understand where this rant or revelation is coming from.... but, for the rest of you: you know EXACTLY what I'm talking about.  

But, anyway, back to my larger point.. here I am on the edge of motherhood thinking of how i'm going to shape the life of my young one, and how I help to create their experience on this planet.  Of course, we always go back to default settings and reflect on the life lived--and I think of how my parents raised my sister and I...and since I've already written my praises 5 blogs back, I can take a critical eye on how I want to make things better. 

I've decided, of course, on music lessons (piano), and possibly the girl scouts or a sport. But, what else. What type of mom am I going to be? I feel like this is the biggest art project of my life. 

When I used to teach, I would often use art as a metaphor for life. Giving guru-like advice on the creative process by saying "some people spend time sketching out their designs lightly so that by the time they are ready to put the paint on, they know exactly where to go and what to put on. It's a time consuming process, but there are less "mistakes" to worry about

On the other hand, some people just go for it and put all of their ideas on the page--they go crazy and are exuberant with their designs--painting is a fun process of being free and creative... but these same people also spend equal time erasing a lot of mistakes--and some mistakes, no matter now much you erase or how much white paint you put on the canvas, you will see forever....

Both people though end up accepting whatever is on the canvas as their own. And both people will be able to justify their actions for doing things the way they chose, because ultimately it is their artwork...so you decide how you want to approach your work.

 Pretty deep, ya? My students got it, and the student teacher in the back of the room looked like a lightening bolt hit him in the forehead. Epiphanies are incredible things :) 

But, how am I going to be as a mother? Am I going to spend the time sketching or doing? 
It's so surreal to be in charge of a life that is yours but not yours all at once. It's like collaborative painting... And let's not forget... i'm not alone in this process. I have another artist by my side making decisions on this work-in-progress art piece too... 

Wow. Adulthood. Parenthood. and the creative process. 

It's such an exciting adventure. I'm thankful for the extra time I will have to think about everything. My due date is 12/1. So I have a lot of time to think....

anyway, It's time for my lunch break. 

Ta-ta for now. 

**winnie. 

Recently

Hello~ 

im writing this blog from my phone, so I'm not totally in my element here. 

anyway, I wanted to post some process work

 

What it is now

What it is now

What it was then  

What it was then  

But, the real question is: where is it going? I've taken a break from the piece because I don't know exactly what I want to say anymore. I feel like the image is too "pretty" and no longer poetic.  

Like all things, it needs some space and time~ 

 

anyway,  

thats all for now. I should be writing more this week. 

 

jya ne~ 

April was such a long, long month.
As Mr. Eliot said,


"APRIL is the cruellest month, breeding
Lilacs out of the dead land, mixing
Memory and desire, stirring
Dull roots with spring rain."

exactly.

I have too much on my mind, and my filters aren't working tonight--so I'm not able to translate thoughts into words

I have this picture posted on my studio wall. Every time I look up from my painting table I see it.
I took the picture of the windows (at Las Vegas) because the last time I had a full view of the sky was when I was in high school (while It was just my mom, reimi, and I.)

All of the other places I've lived before and after that have always had obstructions from the view--jalousie windows put horizontal lines in front of the view and I...
It was just that short but special time in my life when the sky seemed so close--right outside my window.

Anyway,

That's all for tonight.

goodnight :)

You got to know how I feel about cha', I always you near

I cried on my way to work.
 Purple Rain was playing on the radio and my heart jumped and I excitedly turned the radio up!
"Ahhhhhhhhhh~~~Oh my god!! They're playing Purple Rain!!!!"

After singing a couple of lines, I picked up my phone to try and open up itunes to play the entire album.
That's why I saw the 2 text messages on my phone
One from my best friend, Alyson. The other from my sister. "Did you hear about Prince?", "Omg. Prince. He's dead."

It was surreal. Purple Rain was still playing so loudly on my speakers, and my happiness turned, in an instant to deep--deep sadness. my heart hurt. "nooooooooooooooooo~ nooooooo...." I sobbed.

I'm spending tonight listening to Prince, which isn't something unfamiliar to me--there have been days, and in the past, weeks were I would just play prince over and over again.... But, tonight it's different. I'm listening to it as a way to say goodbye--goodbye to a friend I would spend time in my car with, to a friend I would spend nights painting with, to a friend who would help me get over some lonesome heartbreak--- goodbyeto the potential of something new and fantastic from a music innovator. just goodbye.

I'm listening to his music and hearing things I didn't hear before, I'm listening to his music and thinking back to how much a certain song meant to me a certain point in my life... I"m listening to his music and thinking... 'Wow, it's over."

When an extraordinary presence leaves the room, you are left to look around at just how ordinary everyone is. Prince has left the room, and the absence of his presence is greater than the rest of the music industry that is still in the room.

sigh. In the same way I"m still getting over the death of Michael, this will take some time.
...
"Love is too weak to define just what you mean to me..."
**Winnie.