I never know if what I’m doing is right or wrong.  


I’ve exposed Yume to painting, and to no ones surprise (except, maybe mine) she loved it.   At 6:30am, she will say “Mommy, paint! Paint! Paint!” while pointing to the area on the shelf where I keep her crayola watercolor paint set.



Her freedom drives me wild. I love it. Love it so so so much.  

I have taught her to wet the brush before she dips it into colors. I’ve taught her to “clean” her brush before moving on to a new color. The first lesson she does, the second...not so much.


I can sit and watch her paint in absolute satisfaction. My heart to the brim with happiness.  

She loves colors. She can point to a color and announces the name of the color with ease and pride. Brown. Black. Red. White. Bluuuuu.  

She knows  it. It’s amazing.

in her pursuit of color knowledge I decided to show her how to make a rainbow.  



Her face filled with delight. “Bainbow. Bainbow” (we’re working on pronunciation, haha)  

She recited the colors as I painted them







And then, in my stupid adult thinking, I assumed she would go back to her free painting style... but, what happened next muffled my excitement. She got a fresh piece of paper, but instead of jumping right to her painting, she looked at me and said “Mommy, bainbow please”  




My heart died because i knew what I had did. I’ve studied it in my art classes, I purposefully never did it while I was an art teacher...but I did it as a mother... I unintentionally robbed her creativity with a lesson.  

she will try for a moment to paint in her own way, but will look unsatisfied, and then look to me to paint her a rainbow. Ugh. Failure doesn’t even begin to describe how I feel.  


In so many ways, I know what teaching can do for children, all of the benefits, all of the shaping, all of the structure...the good things—the control —  one can get out of teaching a child. 

But, I also know how teaching a child will turn beautiful paintings into requests for “pretty” rainbows.  


My only saving grace from this is that rainbows are things of nature. There is science involved. The color spectrum. The color wheel. Light, water, prisms...we will see it after rainy days, and can have conversations about it.... 


but, ugh. If I could go back in time, I would have never mentioned the rainbow, would have never taken the brush from her hand...  

i Will let the rainbow be a lesson for me, and hopefully, this moment will fade as rainbows do into a new bright moment of fresh creativity.  


—reduce carbon footprint: recycle more, reuse more

—  while going on walks, pick up trash along the streets

 —be more cognizant about where money is going. What habits are we supporting?

—study, absorb, practice 



—less screen time, more me time

—less social media  




and most importantly



2019, I feel you.  

Traveling Through...

This morning during an aimless drive in the hopes of adventure, I found my way back to a place I had almost forgotten. A place from my childhood...

I took Yume to my old neighborhood park. A park I went to when I was her age. 


Driving through my old neighborhood, a lump started to build in my throat. 

Memories came in waves. 

The faces and places were brought back to life. Smiling faces of my mom and dad, things which only live on in my heart were right before my eyes.

  The heaviness of happiness—of all the time that has gone by—filled every crevice and wrinkle in my mind.

There used to be a swing set and a couple different poles to go down, horses to ride on, and play apparatuses which we used to climb, sit, and dream on.. 

There used to be a swing set and a couple different poles to go down, horses to ride on, and play apparatuses which we used to climb, sit, and dream on.. 


I thought of my sister, and how we were urged by my parents  to go to the park, haha. we were probably (unknowingly) giving my parents a breather.

I thought of how my mom liked to go walking with her hands behind her back. She would always just walk quietly and observe the world around her .

I remembered the times I would go to the park with my dad—just him and I . He would push me so high up in the swings, and I would laugh and think of how neat it would be if i could just let go and fly.

He used to like to sit on a  bench under a shady tree to smoke cigarettes.

I took Yume to the same bench  


  We spent time under that tree, and maybe she could tell that my heart was full because she just stayed close to me, not wandering away like she normally would. 


I thought of my old friends from the neighborhood and wondered if our paths would ever cross again.


it’s amazing to think that you spend days, months, and years seeing the same faces over and over—whether it be in elementary school/high school, and then all of a sudden everyone grows up at the same time, and then you hardly ever see each other in the flesh again.

Kids I used to go swimming with, play tag with, kids I used to hug, hold hands with, share food with, be partners on field trips I knew so well, all still alive and well in my memories, but where are they now? 

Life happens, and it happens so fast, and being at that park helped me revisit all of those little memories I thought I had lost.

The mundane and the mindless issues, politics, the daily irritations, and all the dust from the endless commotion of just being alive can easily create a film over the precious moments from the past. I’m glad that for whatever reason I decided to take a turn into my old neighborhood, and was able to dust off those moments in my mind.

I felt like I was looking at myself.  

I felt like I was looking at myself.  


We will come back again, I promise.





Marital Advice

I was recently asked for marital advice by one of my closest friends who got married about 2-3 months ago.

She and her husband both sat on the floor facing me and Yume in my living room, and her husband smiled and asked (and I’m paraphrasing much of this because my memory bank Has shrunk down to the size of a quarter, but the convo was important enough to stay in my mind...) “so, any advice you can give us?” 

“Hmmm. Yes...” I said as my voice trailed off a bit, “Remember everything is temporary.” 

Which took them by surprise, I think.  The hearts and minds of newlyweds Is (as it should be) always focused on forever.  

(Giggling) “wait...let me clarify. what I mean is, what you are feeling now will change. But it doesn’t necessarily mean that it’s going to end or get worse. Your love will grow and get deeper, and sometimes it will go backwards and be less than, but will again shift and go in many, many different directions. Everything is temporary. Even so far, with all the difficult times I’ve had in parenthood, they last for a couple days, and then we’ve met a new milestone—and many times, everything is better than before.” 

”ahhh, I see what you mean” a general sigh of relief in the room

I expanded some more...

”when I think of the love I had for Dean when we first met, or the love that I had for him when we first got married, im glad I’m not there anymore. Not because it wasn’t wonderful, it was—it really was. But I feel so much deeper for him now, that I don’t want to go back to those feelings anymore. Of course we argue, and now with the baby we argue about things on a differen level. Sometimes now our arguments last for days, no longer just hours...

But, nevertheless, we are somewhere much farther in our relationship, and we are arguing about topics we never tackled before. So of course it will be that way.

My friend than asked me something along the lines of , “how do manage all of the stresses of marriage and parenthood with those arguments/disagreements.”

”hmmmmm” I searched my mind “you ...always have to know you made the right decision.”  

“When Dean and I disagree, it’s never about anything serious enough to end anything. I always tell him, ‘If our relationship is so weak where a personality difference is enough to even consider ending a marriage, we probably shouldn’t have been married in the first place.’ Really serious topics: abuse, drug addiction, adultry...those are things that are end-worthy. Not seeing eye-to-eye is a part of life, don’t you think? So we just have to believe that we made the right decision to get married and go as far as we have, and continue to go”

We ended the discussion there and all ate dinner together. My friends’ husband had time with Dean and they talked about whatever men talk about when advice about life is being asked...haha. 

But I think if I could go back in time, I’d also like to add a couple more points of advice, if not for them, at least as a reminder for me... 

-almost 90% of the time, it’s not what you say, but how you say it that determines whether or not you will argue. 


-you didn’t marry yourself. So don’t be upset if you don’t always see eye to eye. you married a separate human being who was raised differently, who has a different siblings, maybe a different race, a different age, born with different issues, from a different culture,  who thinks differently, who is different. The happiness that you feel when you do see eye to eye is only felt because you recognize you are different people. “Oh my god, we both like jazz! We both like art”...etc those things are only exciting because you realize someone who is not like you likes the same things as you.

so when you are upset, you also have to remember those same things, and understand that this person who you love—and who you actively choose to love for their eccentricities and differences— IS different from you. Don’t expect them to approach an issue the same way you do, and learn from their perspective as you explain yours. Horizons are meant to be wide.

As Curtis Mayfield Sings...

“love is strange,


I love you, baby...”








Where’s Mommy?

If I had time and/or the desire to paint self portraits, I would paint myself as invisible.

Perhaps it would be just a blank canvas, but more likely, I’d paint a detailed image of everything around me: Yume, Dean, the living room, the car seat, my mother in law...everything in the household, the washing machine and dryer, the (thank god) new dishwasher, the bathroom, Yume’s bedroom, the changing table, the (on average) 8 dirty diapers a day, and of course, how could I forget, Yume’s  high chair with tiny food particles lodged into places i pretend not to see.

I’d paint Yume’s mini library of books, her noise making toys, her wooden blocks, 7 bubble wands, and the colored rice I made for her about 3 months ago. 

id somehow incorporate Safeway, don quijote, foodland, Walmart, sams club, and the 4000 shopping carts and the 2 trusty shopping cart covers i use on the daily.

I’d paint the cans of ravioli that I eat for lunch, and the other unhealthy fast food garbage that I try to get sustenance from, while also putting detail to the freshly cut fruits, vegetables, and steaming-hot, well-seasoned meats and grains that adorn Yume’s silicone non-slip plates.

Id paint the piles and piles of things that fill up the corners of our bedroom, dining room table, and the entire upstairs room. Those, of course, are alllllllll the things I want to do...

I’d make sure to put high detail of the intricate film of dust which formed over all of my passions and dreams from my early 20’s ...

...and I would title the painting “Winnie Patterson-Wakatsuki”




I feel like I’m in so many places at so many times that I’m no longer present in any real form at all. Motherhood has completely rubbed my face away, has completely spread my skin so thin that I’m gauze like. People see right through me like I’m not there anymore.

and it’s not a finger point. It’s not a blame game. It’s not a cry for help or a wah wah woe-is-me... 

its reality.

The only human that gives me the constant 100% of undivided attention is the person who put me in this role.  

My little friend, my tiny soon-to-be life assistant, my daughter. She is the only person who keeps her eyes glued to all of my whereabouts, when I feel like the entire world looks right through me, she’s the only person who seems to see me at all times.

She is the person who has the power to make someone like me, a lady who was normally visible from 300 Miles away, wearing bright yellow and large flashing accessories, disappear into  clear thin air.

And yet, she sees every movement I make. 

Where is Winnie?  

Just ask Yume.  


New Year

Five Questions About 2017

1. What was your best day of 2017?

As difficult and emotional as 2017 was,there were a lot of good moments. My top pick would be New Year’s Day Of 2017. 


Yume wasn’t even a full month old yet, I was juuuuuust starting to get into a schedule and juuuuuuust beginning to get into the rigorous work of being a stay at home mom.

But I’m choosing this day because  It was the first New Years in 18 years that I got to spend with (just) my family; my mom, Reimi, Dean, and Ian.

We didn’t have to fake anything, there was no need to explain the meaning of anything, no need to listen to stupid stories over and over again, no need to cater to anyone, no need to feel obligated to do anything...

I will forever be thankful for just being able to enjoy that day with the people who I love most. 


2. What’s something you learned to do this year?


I learned how to incorporate my two loves into one. For awhile it seemed like I would never do art again...but one day I realized that I can still be creative, and teach creativity all at once. As Yume gets older, I feel as though we will find more ways to be expressive together, and I look forward to what things we will make together. 



3. If you could pick a song to describe 2017, which would it be?


for the sake of getting this posted on Time (because I’ve been thinking about this question for the last 3 days non stop), I’m going to say “Don’t let it bring you down” from Neil Young... 

but “comfortably numb” from Pink Floyd, and The Rolling Stones “you can’t always get what you want” were on the list, as well as like 10 songs from Nina Simone (her versions of “Just like a Woman” and “here comes the sun”) were also choices. 

I had choices from Stravinsky on the list too, because this year was so dramatic... but again, for the sake of posting this, I’m gonna close my eyes and select. 

Or maybe If I could have a really bouncy happy song like The Jackson Five’s “abc” playing simultaneously to Neil Young’s dreary “don’t let it bring you down” because that would Actually be a more accurate depiction of 2017 because seriously...My mom, my best friend,  is dying before my eyes  while I’m taking care of the sweetest, cutest, and most enjoyable child. 

2017 was a pure mind fuck.


4. What do you think you’ll remember about 2017 ten years from now?

I’m going to remember that  you can be together forever in this life and the next. That life is about freedom and dignity, and that 


 Love is the bond that connects all things. 

5. Who are the new people who came into your life in 2017? What is special about them?


 Um, I think this year was less about meeting new people, and more about seeing old people in new ways. 

I hate using the word reconnect,  because in some instances, such as the image above from my Cosmic sister, we never lost connection...but I feel that 2017 gave us the opportunity to strengthen our connection in ways we didn’t realize possible.  

Friends took on a whole new meaning to me, I appreciated the space, and thoughtful touches (texts, calls, visits, emails) that came throughout the year. I re-realized just how blessed I am to have such a great group of friends who REALLY know me. Who know that being with me doesn’t always mean physically, but who also know exactly when the right time to approach is. Like I couldn’t ask for a better blanket, when my life seemed at its coldest.  

To: my life long loves, KC and Chris, and my true blue hardcore-since-I-was-a-little-girl best friends, Alyson, Brandy,Trisha and Em,  and the people who have an uncanny sense of understanding everything I’m going through Mat and Simon...

all of my friends throughout the years....

2017 was like the windex to my mirror To be able to see myself and all of you standing beside me.

thank you ❤️ Forever  


Hitting the Mute Button

 *** I wrote this about 2 months ago and never had the chance to complete it. But in many ways, I feel that it is quite I will post this as is.**


First, I'd like to extend a heartfelt thank you to all who have reached out and offered their condolences, hugs, texts, emails, monetary gifts, silent wishes, thoughts, memories, prayers, tears, presence, and Love...

I don't hold one as more meaningful than the other, because it all means so much to me-- peace is everything.


i wish i could say that all is well, and that I'm moving along fine, and that time heals all wounds. So I'll grant myself that wish and say it--

Of course, that is not my reality yet, and probably won't be for awhile, but here's to hoping~. 

But in all honesty, It hasn't been ~horrible~. No daily outbursts, no outward Debbie-downer depression, no wearing black all day...none of the stereotypical showings of grief.  

I think, due to the circumstance, and the way everything played out with the ending of my mom's life, my body acted as a vessel that filled and filled--overfilled at some points with emotions.  

With her passing, small hairline cracks were left in my vessel, and I am slowly draining out.

In some ways, I'm relieved by the release of the pressure. The draining is giving my heart space to not worry every second of every day.

Only people in this type of situation  know how stressful it is to expect a "winnie, it's an emergency, come now" phone call at all hours (including the wee ungodly hours) of the day. I could barely sleep at night, I was tense, and my chest was always tight...all while still taking care of an infant. This pressure drain is somewhat of a godsend... 

But, with that same sentiment, I'm also losing a little bit of something that mattered so much to me.

And, not everything that I was filled up with was stressful and/or bad. In fact, a lot of what my mom filled me with was really wonderful, special, and something I dearly don't want to lose--ever.

so while my heart sighs that the stress is leaving, It also weeps that the responsibility and the comfort of caring about someone so much is also leaving my heart too.  




"Oh my god, Sam... I just realized how therapeutic this whole process of cutting my hair is." 

"what do you mean?" Sam asked with a smile as he glanced up at me through the salon mirror. I could see his arms raised, one with my hair in his hand, the other with moving scissors.

 "well, my mom died recently--like, very recent..."

sam dropped my hair, looked intently into the mirror and gasped,  

"oh my god winnie, I'm so sorry..." 

see, I was getting my hair done because it was my birthday present from Dean. When I first entered the salon, Sam greeted me with a cheerful "Happy Birthday!!"  So, I know he put two and two together and realized, "oh no, she lost her mom close to her birthday.."

Of course, I played down the sadness as I do so well by justifying the loss with the "it's ok, she's no longer in pain..." and Sam nodded and brought his focus back to my hair.

"So you were saying therapeutic...?" His voice trailed off, but the interest pushed through. 

"Well, because I think I needed to re-realize that things change. Life changes. But, no matter what, I have to keep moving on with the changes and challenges.

So, I look at my hairstyle and think, it's gonna be completely different--Like I'm a new person...and yet, I'm still winnie, and will always be. The core is still there, although everything else--on the surface-- might be different.

So, now, I have this part of my life to live without my mom...i'm a new winnie and yet at the core, I'm still the same person." 

Sam looked up into the reflection of the mirror and stared into my eyes "I totally understand." 

I quickly broke the connection and looked away.

Thoughtfully I managed to say, "It's easy to forget the simple truths when you're always trying to be positive in order to deal with all the negative." 

again, he looked up and into my eyes, but this time said nothing.  

"Anyway, thank you for doing such a wonderful job with my hair, it feels great to take the weight off of my head, I feel a lot lighter" 

"it is my pleasure, Winnie."  

He continued to cut, and I kept looking at my reflection, watching each chunk of hair come off. it was true, I felt a lot lighter...





With every little beat of my heart

At the end of the day Yume and I go for our nightly walk. Once we return home, I take her out of the stroller and hold her close to watch the sunset. It is the best 10 minutes of my day. Sometimes I talk to her, but most nights we just watch it quietly.  

I hope this is something we continue to do together for a long time.  


Half way there

Yume turned 6 months on the 3rd. 


We're 6 months and a couple days away from a full year together.  

In this time, we've established nap and sleep schedules, crying it out for just a couple days, but now when 8pm comes, Yume falls asleep with little to no fuss at all.

She's on solid foods,  but just once a day. We tried at 5 months and she just wasn't quite like all things, we waited and tried again. So far, so good.

No teeth poking through yet, but im sure it'll happen eventually. That's been my motto lately, it'll happen eventually. I've kinda pumped the breaks on checking my baby apps every moment of the day, and now I only do it when I remember to, or when I really don't get something.

I still have 10,000 questions about everything, but I'm starting to learn to wait for the answer to reveal itself rather than research it. So far the only consistent answer I'm finding and hearing from everyone is "every baby is different" so there are (for the good or bad of it) no answers or norms to attach myself to. 

In many ways, I have to learn how to be my old "just wing it, and see what happens" self, because that carefree winnie-ness, as irresponsible and irritating as it may've seemed, was seriously the key attitude  to everything. 

This hyper-sensitive, gotta know all the answers, gotta google it now, read about it before it happens, is helpful (no doubt) to a certain extent, but sometimes just giving things time and space (especially when it comes to Yume) to mature on their own, and/or just being surprised at "wow, that's something new" rather than anxiously anticipating it, is pretty awesome too.

The other day, I cracked open a fortune cookie (thank you, Panda Express, lol) and it said "the wise learn more from the fools, than fools learn from the wise."  

A huge shout-out to all of the fools who run in abundance online and in my real day-to-day life. You're helping this mama out, for sure! Haha

But, with that said, I must give another huge thank you to all the amazing, attentive, thoughtful, creative and resourceful mama's out there who use their brains and all their might to shape and mold their children into this world, this mama is watching what you do and is taking notes--even though I may be the fool who won't be able to learn, please know I'm watching, haha.

Each day, I feel like I'm learning exactly how I don't want to raise Yume, but at the same time also how I do. 

At 6 months, it's hard to start implementing all of the Pinterest-worthy tips, but again.., in due time. 


Ive also started taking time to observe how people treat their parents in adulthood.  I personally think that is a direct reflection on how that person was treated /raised in their childhood...

it seems that adults who had more of a hands-off parent, treat their aging parents the same way, while those who had a hands-on parent, also treat their aging parent in that manner.

im paying closer attention to how a person refers to their parents, do they call their parents regularly, what do they do/know about their parents, do they actively "care" for their aging parent..and what "care" looks like in different households.

As mentioned above, i realize that every parent (like every child) is different, and that every life situation is different too, so spare me the lecture of thinking one is better than the other, that's really not the comparison I'm trying to make--in fact, im not really making comparisons, just life observations...

I AM interested in what I can do to establish a good relationship with Yume so that as we get older, Yume is a part of my life, not as my life-servant, but also not as a complete and total stranger either.

again, trying to learn from the fools, while taking notes from the wise... 

I'll let you know what and where my findings lead me one day.

For now, here we are. Happy and still trying to figure this all out... 



Hearts and Thanks for reading :) 


File Under...

I feel like motherhood has turned me kinda into a man. Hahaha.

I find myself too tired and too busy to deal with my emotions/feelings/thoughts--like seriously, who has the time or energy to cry, get mad, or even show real happiness anymore? I feel like on a scale of 1-10, I'm always 5 now.

I've been compartmentalizing everything into the file cabinet of my mind. And maybe one day I'll get to feeling every little thing I've filed away, and if I never get to it, at least it's filed away somewhere safe instead of rotting away in my heart... 

so here goes. 



-i never thought I would be one of those parents that posted 10million pictures of their baby. Sorry social media friends, I'm one of them...

then again, I sift through  political posts/quotes/posts about sales at friends online store/weight loss stories/  old memories/ complaints and isn't it only fair that you sift through Yume's pictures too.. :) At least my posts are always cute.

-I never thought I would be THIS tired. Omg, if I were to sleep a full 24 hours I would still wake up tired. I have averaged about 3 hours of sleep for 8 months. I know what you're thinking "but Yume's only 5 months..." ya, I barely slept during the 3rd trimester...

- I never thought I would walk 2+ miles everyday (except when it rains) 

-I never thought I would hate rainy days. Hahaha, I live for my daily walks, and I'm all about keeping Yoomz on a schedule, so when it rains it throws off the schedule, and then I'm in a totallllll tizzy. Oh, and dirty wheels fucking suck.  

So Gross. 

So Gross. 


 -i never thought I would want to and/or care to write to the city and county about their bumpy-ass uneven sidewalks

I'm trying to take my baby on a smooth ride without tripping and/or waking her up with every huge bump in the road. Get it fixed, Pearl City...

-I never thought I would miss real adult human interaction. For the most part, I'm really not a people person and I love my anti-social-ness, but now that my existence is pretty much ignored (people talk to me through Yume. For example: (in baby-talk-voice) "did you go walking already?" "Did you go ne-ne (sleep)" "have you had milk yet?" "Did you go to the store? Oh ya! what did you buy?" - I guess me wishing someone would just talk to me would be silly, right? I not asking for a full blown, --let's sit down over coffee and talk-- but a "how are you?" Would be nice, sometimes.  Sigh


-I never thought I would appreciate my sister so much. She's seriously like the only person (besides Dean) that talks to me about like nothing and everything--like general life stuff...

She sends me articles, she texts me recipes, she makes me laugh, she asks about my day, and shows that she cares and doesn't just text me when I send her a picture of Yume--she is basically is my daily reminder that I'm still winnie, and not ONLY Yume's mom. I really...really...appreciate it. Thanks Rei-rei. (Sigh)

and, to be fair...when my friends had their children, I pretty much dropped off the face of the planet, because I thought they would be too busy to talk to me, and now, of course, I get it. It probably would've been nice if I called more and asked about how everything was going...but, that wisdom only came after-the-fact.... 

-I never thought I would feel confident as a mother. But surprise, surprise...every once in awhile I get the "you got this" shiver that goes down my spine.  it normally happens when I'm the only one who can comfort Yume's cries... or when we have our day together and she just looks at me and smiles. :) it's nice to feel like a hero every once in a while...

-I never thought a 5 month old could make me laugh so much. Yume is a really funny girl, and her little giggles crack me up. She laughs at the most unfunny things, and that really tickles my funny bone. Haha

Full of smiles :) 

Full of smiles :) 


Next file folder  



 -Places that are not stroller/baby friendly...  

omg, my friend KC and I went to the Contemporary Museum last month, and it is SOOOOOO not baby friendly. It's a two story museum with no elevator, no ramps, nothing. There is a beautiful grassy sculpture lawn, with no cement walkway, so people with babies are supposed to, 1) only view the top gallery (and/or leave their stroller in the front and walk down a flight of steps holding a baby while trying to balance) and 2) I guess, push their strollers through and/or carry their baby through the normally wet thick uneven grass. (the museum is in Makiki, one of the wetter parts of the island)

Like omg, seriously it's 2017. put a ramp and cement path in, not just for the strollers, but for the wheelchairs...

unless of course, people with babies and disabilities aren't supposed to enjoy contemporary art... time to Yelp it. Lol

 -Mom Forums 

For those of you without children, bless your heart for not having to read through any mom-forums. Mothers (women) are the most judgemental people on the planet who tend to give horrible (online) advice. I have like 10 thousand baby apps on my phone becauseI like knowing about milestones and whatever, but every once in awhile I check a forum when I have a small concern about Yume (I.e fussiness at the breast) and I'll scroll through pages and pages of bad advice and women who ride their high-horse of "well, my baby never had THAT problem..." ugh.. it is time I'll never get back again. I've decided, if it's a real concern, just call a doctor and fuck the forums.

 -omg, Me. Lol, I'm a lot more annoying now. I've turned into the complainer mom that wants the world completely to change to fit my needs, or else (dun dun dunnnnnnn) I'll Yelp it.  All i need now is an A-line hair cut, and khaki shorts that bunch at the crotch showing off the "v" shape of where my thighs connect to my vajay...and then I'll completely be your full-blown complainer mom.

with that said, let's move to the last file folder (lol) 



because, after all of that, it's nice to know that I do still love things... 

duh, I love Yume.  

Lol I could devote an entire website with blog after blog writing about how much I love Yume, and it would just be the tip of the iceberg. She's the absolute best. And ya, duh...she tops my list of loves. ❤️awwwww❤️ 

now on to my more superficial loves... 


 omg, I love Target. 

If i could live in a store like corduroy the bear, I would choose Target (welllllll actually it would be Neiman Marcus, but we're talking about right now in my life...I'm living on a stay at home Mommy budget, and I'm definitely nowhere near my well-showered, groomed self--so ya, no living at neimans right now. Lol)  anyway, omg Target. Cutest baby things. Cutest home style stuff, loooooooove the kitchen supplies, and thank you for well priced pantry items! :)

 -Omg, and I love Safeway! 

I've always been a Safeway girl (sorry Foodland and Times) but now that Pearl City has finallllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllly jumped on board with the new renovations, omg, the Safeway is like beautiful. It's no Whole Foods, but I'm not in the position to drive 45 mins to buy lettuce. Maybe next

Anyway, I'm all about picking the nicest clean and unbruised apples, and i looooooove checking every single egg for hairline cracks, but I'd rather do that in a nice clean atmosphere where people are few and far between (foodland is SO crowded!) so Safeway, thank you for not being the local favorite~ :)

I love doing laundry. 

omg, hi domesticated woman. No, I don't exactly loooooove doing laundry, but now that I'm a mom, I love finding a tiny random single sock in the laundry. It is the highlight of the moment, because it's soooooooo cute. seriously is all about the little things in life. seriously is all about the little things in life. 


I'll try to keep my file folders as a reoccurring blog, because it's kinda fun to write this out, rather than just keep it all in my head. Plus, I have sooooo many more things that I love, and so so so sooo many more things that annoy me, but I just don't have the hours in the day to list them all In one sitting.

anyway, thanks for reading!  






Walks at 6pm

I enjoy my walks. I've never been one to look down when I walk. I always try to face the clouds. Amazing things up there...



There was a lady up there. 

There was a lady up there. 




Never even caught her name...

"Don't have too many friends, Winnie. Just be friends with yourself, and your family. That's all you need. When you have too many friends, you wear too many different masks, and then you lose yourself. Friends get in the way, and you cannot focus on what you are. When something happens to you, if you spend all your time telling each friend the same story, what part of the story do you keep for yourself? You give it all away. Don't give it all away. Don't lose yourself. Don't be a clown for other people. Don't lose yourself, winnie. Be strong, that's how mommy raised you, to be strong. Be strong Winnie..."



"Don't be a follower, and don't be a wallflower. No one likes a wallflower. If you're at a dance, dance. If someone asks you to do something, don't be the shy girl who always says 'no' (gesture of someone shyly refusing with hand up in front of face), no one likes that type of girl. I hate that type of stupid girl.And that type of man is the worst. A man has to be a man, if they have kin-tama (gesture to male testicles). A man who cannot stand up, is not a man. Don't be with a loser man, winnie. Find a man who has (hand gesture with palm facing up, like she is holding a big bag of gold) confidence, please. No follower man. That is the worst. A man who is always hazukashi about everything, who always puts his head down. Waaaa~I hate that type of man"



"Don't ever bow your head down for a man. Men are nothing, winnie. They think because the have that (phallic gesture) that they are something. They are nothing, Winnie. Men always tried to compete with me, winnie. They always try to beat me, but I (holding fist up) beat them up, because mommy has atama (pointing to head) Their chisai mind--so small. Men are baka..they are fool." 



"Being a mother, is the best thing. I always tell people, my babies are the best. I would have 10 million babies if they could come out like you and Reimi. My children are everything. I never regret becoming your mother. When people talk about their own children, I don't care, because my children are the best. Or when people show me pictures of their children, i just smile. But my babies are the cutest, and the best. Everyday I bought new books for you guys and I would read and spend time. I loved being your mother. It is the best thing in my life. I don't know if I'm a good mother, but I tried my best."



 "you and Reimi are the best because your daddy was smart, and your mommy is, if you think, smart too. One plus one equals two, you have two excellent sources inside of you, dont forget that. Mommy is smart and Daddy is smart, so don't be a fool..." 


...   I think of the things you've said, and think about how much they have shaped me as a person, and now, as a mother. Sometimes I really feel like a loser, no matter how much I tell myself I'm not one. Sometimes I really feel tired and defeated. Sometimes i really feel... 






We decided to check out an orchid show. My blood is moving again. Rejuvenated and totally inspired.  

The colors and shapes, the life in each flower.....*gasp* the experience was everything.

I will keep these all in the sketchbook of my mind, and when the time is right, these images, patterns, and colors will emerge in new pieces. 

im excited, as always.  

purple is the color of rebirth. 


Murasaki love, 


Humbled, My grass is the same as your grass, and Making an effort .

As mentioned in some entry that I wrote at some point, on some day, some few weeks ago... 

I'd like to blog more... 

so here goes. I've never been good at keeping blog promises, so who knows how long I'll continue to update on a "regular" basis, but for now this is keeping me sane and looking forward to something that is mine--all mine, so ya...



if you've been following my writing...., especially pieces done in the last, I don't know, 6 months (yippeeeeee...thank you!!)

Anyway, you might have noticed there is a common elated, but somewhat frustrated bewilderment  of "oh my god, I didn't realize  THIS is how it was going to be..."

Some days, I feel like I've been kicked to my knees. Every once in awhile, I feel like I should be the winner at the made up "mother of the century" pageantry in my mind. (Trust me, I've practiced my winning wave, and rehearsed my acceptance speech on my amazing abilities to do a diaper change WHILE keeping my little one smiling the entire time)

But the one steady constant I've felt during my few highs and many lows is  something kind of new to me...I've been humbled. 

Ive always been a kinda sassy Judgmental-Judy type person. My vantage point always seems to be from above, effortlessly gazing down on the world--and it's not something I'm really proud of (anymore.)

i don't know where I got this chip on my shoulder, but these recent months of constantly being beaten down by minute-to-minute on the job training, has me feeling lower than low.

Nowadays, instead of looking down to see what the rest of the world is doing, I'm squinting my eyes and  straining my neck trying to see what's taking place in the world that is resting on the top floor of a skyscraper towering over me. 

All of the advice I used to give new first time moms and parents of multiple children (while I myself was single without children) now all seems like ludicrous trash. And when I think of my former pretentious art-teacher-self relentlessly berating parents about how they should be doing art with their children, and how "i know you're busy, but it's really not that hard to do..." makes me kind of want to vomit and throw a mini tantrum at how lame I was to everyone. Because seriously, at least right now in my life, looking at a paint brush is equivalent to being knee-deep in the Freddy Kruger Nightmare on Elm street pt.1 (the scariest one in my opinion)

Like, I seriously can't even fathom pushing paint out of a tube right now. And ya, I hear you "well, no one is expecting you to paint portraits while breastfeeding a 3month old" 

duh, I know that... 

but I guess, putting that "mom of the century" sash with the winners crown really isn't so make believe to me ...and wanting to be on the top of the mountain verses feeling like I'm swimming in the gutter is a lot more appealing to me than I thought...

but the reality that is hitting me over and over in the face like an endless game of paddleball is that, it's just not gonna happen right now--and that all of my unrealistic expectations are just that, unrealistic.

I'm no better (and possibly never have been) than the lady with the 5'oclock shadow holding her screaming child's hand trying to balance everything in her purse/shopping cart/life standing next to me in line at Foodland


and maybe once I can fully swallow that pill and let it digest without sticking my finger down my throat to try and up-chuck that fact--I'll finally be alright.

This is me and my new humbled self. 

Love it? Ya, Me too.


 Anyway, that leads me to my next section (yay for transitions) 

My Grass is the Same Color as your Grass.. 

There is some type of misconception that since I'm a stay at home mom somehow my life is SO much easier than the working mom's/woman's  life. 

Well, let me break it down like this: 

1) my life is awesome. I got exactly what I asked for since I was like 10yrs old.

ive always said, if I have kids (which I never thought I would) that i  wanted to be a stay at home wife/mom. Maybe other women are willing to burn their bras to be a hardcore working mom, but I'll sew a bra to stay home and take care of the kids.

I am so very thankful that I fell in love and married a man that treats me wonderfully and gives me a very secure life, which allows me to live out my manifestation.

+*Of course eventually, Im going to have to start working again...I mean, we live in Hawaii, and not middle America--and mama's got bills to pay ....but we'll cross that bridge when we get there**

 Anyway, with that said, this is also no walk in the park... i don't have parents or extended family that i can lean on to watch Yume anytime I want to "take a break."

i dont get to drive in a car blasting music without a baby in the car seat behind me,  I don't have other adults to interact with for 6+ hours a day, There is no point in getting dressed nicely or putting make-up on, which in my world-- if you know me at all--is pretty big heartbreaking fucking deal.

I'm the only person who can watch Yume. I don't have other options. My mom is sick, and my mother in law is elderly, my sister is busy working, my sister in law is out of state, and my husband works anywhere from 6-10 hours on any given day...

so it really is JUST me. Although we live a comfortable lifestyle, it could easily get very uncomfortable to try and afford crazy tuition to send Yume to germ infested daycare where she'll probably get sick on a weekly basis.  

So seriously, it's cheaper and far safer to have me to stay at home with Yume. Which *viola* is what we are doing. 

 I could easily say that being a single mom with healthy parents who are willing to watch baby while mommy goes to work, or wants to have a night out to drink, has it waaaaaaaaay easier than I...

But, in my recent growth spurt of maturity, I've also come to realize that my Grass is the same color as your Grass. What's brown in my garden may be green in yours, but the area of your garden which is allllllll unkept and nasty, is nice, and lush in mine.

So there is my tired, somewhat bitter rant for 2017. Hopefully it's my first and last. 

 Now....Finally, to the last section which will kinda contradict most of this blog, :)

 Making an Effort


DIY Shakers

DIY Shakers



Dean's Bamboo Art Project

Dean's Bamboo Art Project

I'm making an effort to create again~

as I said in sooooo many words above, it's really hard to find the time, and I'm exhausted, and alone...and, and, and ...fill in the rest with my laundry list of reasons. 

but, nevertheless, I feel like the effort is everything. It's the only way I'll ever feel like a human being again (and the only way to get the sash and "mother of the century" crown i soooo desire, haha) 

 So I'm starting small with the DIY sound shakers, and as nap schedules change, and wakeful playing times open up, I'm going to make the effort to start creating again.

I have soooooo many ideas for DIY learning tools for the baby Yooom'z...

I just need to make the effort to work little at a time to create. I can do it, I just have to reallllllly try. 

I mean, If the end-all-be-all goal is to be a full-time artist then I have to keep going to reach it, no matter what. That's what I want Yume to see in me--a Mommy that is ultra creative and who makes the effort.... 

Dean and I chose the name "Yume" (Dream) because she is our dream, but what we both love about each other is that we have our own dreams that drive us to keep going. 

My dream is to be an artist/life long creator (aka, crafter.) 

i feel like now, more than ever, it is extremely important for me to keep my dream in sight, because can't you tell, it's so easy for life and responsibilities, and the mundane day-to-day to cloud the finish line. 

I have a life-long cheerleader watching my every move, and I want every move to be in the direction of my dream.

So, along with making the effort to keep up this blog...I'm going to make the effort to slowllllllllllly create and do art again. 

ive been using our daily walks to view the world the way I used to when I was in high school: looking at colors of objects and thinking of which paints to mix to recreate the color.

Lantana love!   

Lantana love!


As stated so, so, soooooooooooo many times, I'm in no position to open up paints and buy canvas now, but that doesn't mean ever...

But, by keeping these thoughts active and prepping and pre-chopping my designs, and keeping my inspirations simmering low on the stove, I'm ensuring that when I am ready to start cooking most of the meal will almost be ready. (Can you tell that I watch the food network all day?) 

so that's that.  

take care Care Bears,  thanks for reading! Gotta go get my hiking gear to get back up my mountain to get that chip on my shoulder again, haha juuuuuuuuuuust kidding